WELCOME TO THE PLANET VACANT NEWS DESK. WHERE WE INVESTIGATE THE TRUTH BEHIND HEADLINES. OFTEN DESCRIBED AS 'PENNY DREADFULLS'.. COUPLE FOUND GUILTY AFTER BODY FOUND IN FREEZER.. A SEMI-RETIRED COUPLE FROM A SMALL FISHING VILLAGE NEAR BARNSLEY, WITH DARK HAIR, HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF KEEPING THE BODY OF A DUCK IN THIER FREEZER.. ITS HARD TO IMAGINE THE SCENE SAID AN AMBULANCE MAN. POLICE OPENED THE FREEZER.. AND FOUND IT. IT WAS COMPLETELY FROZEN. THREE BAGS OF FROZEN VEG AND THE DUCK.. A POLICE SPOKESMAN SAID.. WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE LIVE ON THESE WAGES.. SCIENTISTS CREATE SOLID GOLD FROM HUMAN EXCREMENT. A RABBI FROM THE YORSHIRE DALES NEAR BARSLEY IS CELEBRATING AFTER TAKING PART IN A SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT TO CREATE SOLID GOLD FROM HIS EXCREMENT.. HIS WIFE SAID TO A MAN FROM THE PRESS..'WERE LITTERALLY ROLLING IN IT'. RABBI JOSHUA MOSES CRANKSHAFT SAID... WE'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN INTERSTED IN LENDING MONEY TO PEOPLE. UNLESS WE GET A HEALTHY RETURN..23% APR..SAY.. SO YOU CAN IMMAGINE MY SHOCK WHEN ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GIVE THE SCIENTISTS MY EXCREMENT OVER A THREE WEEK PERIOD. IT WASN'T COMPLETELY EASY. I HAD TO SHIT INTO A BUCKET UNDER STRICT STARILE LABORATORY CONDITIONS. PLASTIC GLOVES AND EVERYTHING. THEN THEY TOOK IT AWAY AND RETURNED WITH A GOD NUGGET LIKE THIS ONE.. HE SHOWED US WHAT LOOKED LIKE A GOLD NUGGET. BUT WE WERN'T SURE THIS WAS TRUE.SO WE HAD THE NUGGET TESTED. THE RESULTS THAT CAME BACK WERE INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST. 80% lead, 10% TIN AND 10% PLASTIC. THE NUGGET WAS SPRAYED WITH GOLD CAR PAINT. WE TOLD MR CRANKSHAFT OF OUR FINDINGS AND HE TOLD US TO CLEAR OFF AND ACCUSED US OF BEING ANTI-STAMETIC..WE TOLD HIM HIS CLAIMS WERE ALL LIES AND HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TOLD US THE STORY. HE ASKED US IF WE KNEW ABOUT THE GERMANS..? WE ASKED HIM IF HE WAS ON MEDICATION. HIS WIFE CAME OUT TO TALK TO US. LOOK, SHE SAID..IM VERY SORRY ABOUT THIS BUT ITS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S MADE UP STORIES. LAST TIME HE SAID HE COULD TURN HIS URINE INTO PURE ORANGE JUICE WITH FUITY PARTICLES. IT WAS ALL RUBBISH. WE'VE HAD HIS BRAIN TESTED..TWICE..THEY COULDNT FIND IT. THE DOCTORS SAID HIS BRAIN HAD COMPLETELY DISAPEARED AND WE SHOULDN'T MAKE ANY LONG TERM PLANS. AT THIS POINT WE COULD'T WORK OUT WHO WAS MORE DIMENTED..? SO WE TOLD THEM NEVER TO CONTACT US AGAIN.. BUT I SUPPOSE WE'RE USED TO FALSE CLAIMS AND STORIES HERE AT THE NEWSDESK REMEMBER THE ONE ABOUT THE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH TO TERRAPINS..? WHAT A LOAD OF TOSH.. NEXT... MAN FROM YORSHIRE MARRIES WASHING MACHINE IN BIZAR SEX TRIANGLE. WE DIDNT KNOW WHETHER TO FOLLOW UP THIS STORY OR NOT..? WE JUST FOUND IT SO BIZZAR. BUT WE WERE GLAD WE DID. WE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR OF A MODEST TERRACED HOUSE IN CRANSHAW.. A SMALL FISHING VILLAGE ABOUT 800 MILES FROM THE SCOTTISH ISLAND OF IONA..IN THE OUTER HEBRIDEAS.. A STOUT MAN OPENED THE DOOR.. DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TEA SHIRT WAS WHAT LOOKED LIKE MAYONAISE.. WHAT ? HE SAID. WE WONDERED IF WE COULD INTERVIEW YOU ABOUT THE NEWS WE HEARD THAT YOU'VE MARRIED A WASHING MACHINE..? YEP..SO WHAT HE SAYS..? THERE WAS A STRONG SMELL OF WEED COMING FROM THE HOUSE. LOOK MAN..HE SAYS..YOUR NOT THE FIRST TO COME ASKING ME ABOUT THIS. ITV..SKY..BBC1 AND 4..HOSPITAL RADIO..THE LOT.. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD THEM.. WHATS THAT WE ASKED..? DO YOU WANT TO SCORE SOME WEED..? HE SAID. WELL. WE DIDINT EXPECT THAT..BUT JAKE OUR SOUND MAN LOVES THE STUFF SO WE SAID YES AND HE INVITED US IN. ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR WAS PAINTED A HUGE PINK TRIANGLE. INSIDE THE TRIANGLE A SELECTION OF PORN MAGAZINES.. I WAS INTRIGUED..SO I ASKED HIM.. IS THIS THE BIZZAR SEX TRIANGLE..? SURE IS HE SAYS..NOW WHAT YOU WANT DUDE..A BAG OR A TEENTH. HOW MUCH IS THE BAG ASKED JAKE..? 50 SAYS THE MAN.. OK SAYS JAKE..I'LL TAKE A BAG .. GOOD CHOICE MAN..HE SAYS.. THEN HE GOES INTO THE KITCHEN.. HE RETURNS WITH A SMALL POLYTHENE BAG FULL OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE NETTLES.. HE THROWS IT AT JAKE..THERE YOU GO MAN. ENJOY.. JAKE HANDS HIM THE £50 ..MUCHLY SAYS THE MAN. I ASK HIM..SO YOU GOT MARRIED RIGHT HERE IN THIS TRIANGLE..? SURE DID SAYS THE MAN.. AND IF I MAY ASK..WHERE IS YOUR WIFE.?. HE LOOKS ACROSS AT ME ..HE SEEMS A LITTLE UPSET. WHERE DO YOU BLEEDIN THINK SHE IS.?.SHES IN THE KITCHEN.. NOT BEING FUNNY DUDE..BUT WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR WASHING MACHINE..? ERM..IN THE KITCHEN I SAY..WELL THEN, HE SAYS..SEE..? OK..IF I MAY ASK..WHATS YOUR WIFE CALLED..? BOSCH..SAYS THE MAN..SHE'S GERMAN. HE LIGHTS UP A HUGE JOINT..TAKES A BIG TOKE THEN PASSES IT TO JAKE.. ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE. THERE YOU GO MAN .TRY THAT..ITS BEST QUALITY DONCASTER DUNG.. JAKE TAKES A DRAG...OH MAN HE SAYS.. COME ON STEVE..THIS IS GOOD SHIT MAN..YOU GOTTA TRY THIS.. I DIDN'T.. I REMEMBERED MY MUMS WORDS.. THAT SHIT IS A GATEWAY TO HARD DRUGS.. SHE ALSO SAID..MAKE SURE YOU WASH BEHIND YOUR EARS... I ASKED THE MAN..WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A WASHING MACHINE..? ITS GREAT SAID THE MAN..WE'RE TRYING FOR A BABY.. IT WAS AT THIS POINT I REALISED THAT THIS GUY WASN'T A FULL SHILING. A FEW SLATES SHORT OF A ROOF. SO WE PAID HIM THE FEE OF THREE SHILLINGS AS AGREED.. AND LEFT. NEXT.. THE BABY WITH THE ELECRIC HEAD. AT THE NEWSDESK ONCE AGAIN WE WERE DUBIOUS. A REPORT FROM JIM IN THE POSTROOM. 'I THINK YOU SHOULD READ THIS BOSS'.HE SAID. AN ARTICLE FROM THE 'BARNSLEY HERALD.' 'NEW BORN BABY ELECROCUTES DOCTOR AT HOSPITAL. THE ARTICLE READ.. A BABY BORN AT BARNSLEY GENERAL HOSPITAL ELECTROCUTED A DOOCTOR. HE SIMPLY TOUCHED IT'S HEAD. THE BABY IS NOW IN AN INCUBATOR SO IT CAN NOT DO MORE DAMAGE. HE IS NOW AT HOME RECOVERING WITH NON LIFE THREATENING INJURIES. 'IT WAS ONLY A VERY SMALL SHOCK' HE SAID TO THE PRESS. 'I WOULD SAY ABOUT 6 VOLTS.' A HOSPITAL SPOKEPERSON SAID.. 'WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE LIVE ON THESE WAGES'.. BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THIS STRANGE STORY STIRED MY IMAGINATION. WAS IT REMOTLY POOSSIBLE THAT A NEW BORN BABY COULD HAVE AN ELECRIC HEAD.? I DRANK COFFEE AND ATE BISCUITS.. I ASKED JAKE AND PASCAL INTO MY OFFICE. THEY TOO HAD BISCUITS AND COFFEE. I SHOWED THEM THE ARTICLE.. WE ALL ENJOYED COFFEE AND BISCUITS.. PASCAL SAID..I'VE HEARD OF THIS ..IN FRANCE WE CALL IT ... 'LES ELECTROCION DU BAMBINO SUR LA TETE.' THE TRANSLATION IS.. 'BABIES CAN HAVE AN ELECTRIC HEAD'.. I DECIDED TO DO SOME RESEARCH... JAKE SIAD..'ITS ALL BOLLOCKS..I'VE READ ABOUT THIS AT LENGTH.. YES, THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY SOME BABIES CAN HEVE AN ELECTRIC HEAD. CAUSED BY OVERHEAD PYLONS..' 'AND RADIATION' SAID JAKE... 'RADIATION ? I ASKED..? 'YES SAID JAKE..IN RUSSIA...THERE IS THIS..!! HE SHOWS ME AN ARTICLE FROM A RUSSIAN NEWSPAPER... IT SAYS..' NYET VLODI KASBIN NANK GOLLI FLUTE GOBBLE SNIPPET ELECTRO-BABY HEAD.' IT MADE NO SENSE BUT.. IT MADE ME REALISE SOMETHING... SOMETHING MY LATE UNCLE VLADIMIR SAID.. 'EAT PICKLES..THE'RE GOOD FOR THE DIGESTION'.. DESPITE THESE THOUGHTS OF YESTERYEAR ,,I HAD TO CONCENTRATE.. WAS THIS STORY WORTH FURTHER INVESTIGATION..? COULD THE ELECTRITY BE HARNESSED TO RUN A SMALL LIGHT BULB..? WILL WE RUN OUT OF BICUITS.? ARE PICKLES GOOD FOR THE DIGESTION.? WILL ARSENAL WIN THE CUP..? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. I DECIDED TO AGREE WITH JAKE THAT IS WAS ALL BOLLOCKS.. SO WE ALL WENT TO THE PUB. NEXT AT THE NUDE DESK.. I MURDERED 12 PEOPLE AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. ITS QUITE A LONG STORY THIS ONE. I SUGGEST YOU GET A CUPPA AND BISCUITS. ONCE AGAIN HERE AT THE DESK WE EMPTIED THE ASHTRAY AND MOVED THE BISCUITS. THEN WE READ IN A MYSTERIOUS ON LINE BLOG ABOUT THIS GUY WHO MADE THE CLAIM HE HAD COMMITED MURDER TWELVE TIMES AND WAS NEVER CAUGHT. AT FIRST WE DISREGARDED THIS AS COMPLETE RUBISH. BUT THEN, MALCOMB WHO WORKS HERE IN THE POST ROOM SAID, AND I QUOTE.. 'I THINK IT COULD BE TRUE'.. THEN HE SAID..'HERE'S SOME POST FOR YOU'. I TOOK THE FOUR LETTERS FROM HIM BUT ONE ENVELOPE STOOD OUT IN PARTICULAR. MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS PINK. I TOOK MY LETTER OPENER AND SLIT ALONG THE TOP. THERE WAS A DEFINATE SCENT OF PURFUME EMINATING FROM THE CONTENTS. A HAND WRITTEN LETTER READ.. 'DEAR EVERYONE AT THE DAILY MILLER NEEWSDEK. I NO YOU WATCHIN MY STOREE WITH INTESTING BUT I TELL YU, YU WILL NEVER NO MY REEL IDENTITTY AND YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME. I HAVE GOT AWAY WITH TWELVE MURDER SO FAR AND I AV INTESHENS TO DO MORE. BUT IM FLATTERED YO TAKE IN INTEREST IN MY WORK. YUORS SINSERELY ..THE MURDERER.' I WAS AMAZED. NOT JUST BY WHAT HE HAD WRITTEN BUT BY HOW BAD HIS ENGLISH WAS. I SUMMISED IMEDIETLY THAT THIS PERSON WAS A FORIGNER OF SOME KIND. I SHOWED THE LETTER TO JAKE THE SOUND MAN AND PASCAL..ONE OF OUR CAMERA MEN. WE WERE ALL IN AGREEMENT THAT WE SHOULD INVESTIGATE. WE SAT AROUND THE DESK, SMOKING AND EATING BISCUITS. JAKE SAID..'COULD BE A WOMAN'.? 'HE HAD A POINT, THE PINK ENVELOPE, THE STRONG SCENT OF PERFUME. SO, SAID PASCAL WITH A FRENCH ACCENT, 'WE ARE LOOKING FOR A LADY WHO IS FOREIGN'.? JAKE LOOKED LONG AT HARD AT THE STAMP MARKS..POSTED IN FENSWADE.. I FOR ONE HAD NEVER HEARD OF THE PLACE.I GRABBED AN ATLAS. I LOOKED IN THE INDEX. NO MENTION OF IT. SO I GOOGLED IT. AND THERE IT WAS. A VERY SMALL VILLAGE IN WALES. NOT FAR FROM LLANDUDNO. RIGHT LADS I SAID ..GET THE KIT.. WERE OFF IN THE MORNING. AND SO WE WERE. THE DISCOVERY LOADED WE SET OFF. ON THE WAY, JAKE SAID..WE NEED TO GET THAT STAMP TO THE LAB. IF HE, OR SHE SAID PASCAL, OR SHE SAID JAKE, LICKED IT, WE HAVE DNA..? GOOD IDEA I SAID. WE GOT TO FENSWADE AT ABOUT NOON. IT WAS INDEED A VERY SMALL VILLAGE. MAYBE A HUNDRED HOUSES, MOST OF WHICH WERE BUNGALOWS. IT LOOKED LIKE THE IDYLIC RETIREMNET PLACE. THERE WAS A QUAINT PUB, A SMALL CONVENIENCE STORE/POST OFFICE AND A CHURCH. WE NEED TO IDENTIFY THAT PERFUME TOO SAID JAKE. THATS A TRICKY ONE I SAID.DEBANHAMS SAID PASCAL..PURFUME COUNTER..THEY WILL KNOW. OK I SAID..LETS GET IN THE PUB FOR A PINT AND MAYBE SOME LUNCH. THE PUB WAS TINY, JUST TWO SMALL ROOMS. AT THE END OF THE BAR SAT ON OLD MAN AND BEHIND THE COUNTER THE BARMAN. 'AFTERNOON GENTS' HE SAID. WHAT CAN I GET YOU. THERE WASN'T MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM. CAXTONS BITTER, OLD TROUT CIDER AND FOSTERS. I KNEW WHAT THE LADS LIKED SO I ORDERED. THREE PINTS FOSTERS PLAESE. OKAY DOKEY SAID THE BARMAN. JUST PASSING THROUGH HE ASKED.? DEPENDS I SAID. WERE FROM THE DAILY MILLER. WERE INVESTIGATING A STORY. THE MAN AT THE END OF THE BAR SAID 'ABOUT THE MURDERER I'LL GUESS'? 'THE MURDERER' ? I ASKED. 'OH YOUR NOT THE FIRST TO COME HERE ASKING ABOUT IT. WE'VE HAD LOTS OF YOU CITY TYPES POKING AROUND'.. I GOT THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION WE WEREN'T WELCOME. THE LANDLORD SAID. 'THIS IS A QUIET PLACE, WE DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE'. 'TROUBLE .?' I ASKED..'WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE..?' THE LANDLORD WAS POLLISHING A GLASS. IT TOOK HIM A LONG TIME TO ANSWER. HE PUT THE GLASS ONTO THE COUNTER AND LEANED OVER AT ME. 'THE LAST MAN WHO CAME ASKING ABOUT THESE MURDERS, HE WAS KILLED. THEY FOUND HIS BODY IN THE GRAVE YARD AT THE CHURCH.HIS HANDS WERE MISSING.' 'AND DID THEY FIND THE PERSON WHO KILLED HIM.?'I ASKED. AGAIN HE PAUSED FOR QUITE SOME TIME. THEN THE MAN AT THE END OF THE BAR SAID.. 'HE LEFT NO CLUES.THE DEAD MAN WAS A LOCAL COPPER. WORKED OUT OF LLANI..' 'LLANI.?' I ASKED. 'LLANDUDNO'. HE SAID. THE BARMAN SAID, 'THEY NEVER FOUND HIM..THE MURDERER IS STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE' THE PLOT WAS DEFINATLY THICKENING. I SAT AT ONE OF THE FEW TABLES WITH JAKE AND PASCAL. 'I GUESS YOU HEARD ALL THAT' I SAID TO THEM.?' THEY NODDED. 'IT'S ALL TURNING A BIT WIERD'. SAID JAKE. PASCAL SAID, 'I WONDER WHAT THE COPPER WAS LOOKING FOR.?' THE MAN AT THE END OF THE BAR SAYS..'I CAN ANSWER THAT'.. 'HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE SAME AS YOU.I GUESS THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR POKING YOUR NOSE IN.' I SAID TO THE BOYS, 'LETS DRINK UP. WE HAVE SOME DELVING TO DO'. I PUT THE EMPTY GLASSES ON THE BAR. I TURNED TO THE LANDLORD AND OLD MAN. 'THANKS FOR THE HELP AND INFORMATION' I SAID. 'WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD' SAID THE OLD MAN. WE GOT BACK INTO THE CAR. WE SAT IN SILENCE. ALL OF STUNNED BY WHAT WE HAD JUST HEARD. 'HIS HANDS WERE MISSING.? ' SAID JAKE. I'VE GOT AN IDEA I SAID..'LETS GO TO THE CHURCH, SEE WHAT THEY KNOW.?' 'I'M STARVING' SAID JAKE. 'ME TOO' SAID PASCAL. 'OK' I SAID..LETS EAT FIRST. WE STOPPED AT THE CONVEIENCE STORE. CONVENIENTLY, THE OWNER SOLD HOT PIES. IT WAS A VERY OLD COTTAGE SHOP. STONE ROOF AND VERY LOW DOORWAY. AS WE ENTERERED IT WAS THREE STEPS DOWN INTO THE SHOP. IT WAS LIKE GOING BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD. CAMPING HOLIDAYS IN DEVON. AND LIKE THIS ONE, A SMALL LOCAL SHOP THAT SUPPLIED ALL THE ESSENTIALS. AND THE SMELLS INSIDE..A COMBINATION OF HERBS, SPICES, FRESH BREAD, TOBACCO AND SNUFF. MY UNCLE GEORGE TOOK SNUFF. IT WAS A RICH SMELL OF MENTHOL. A MAN WITH A HUGE HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE SAID..'WELCOME GENTS. I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU'. 'HAVE YOU I ASK..?' 'OH YES HE SAYS, NEWS TRAVELS FAST IN THE VILLAGE.' HE'S PUFFING ON A LARGE PIPE. HE TAKES IT FROM HIS MOUTH AND SAYS.. 'HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. ITS A MIXTURE I MAKE MYSELF. RUM SOAKED SHAG AND OLD HOLBURN. I CALL IT THE DEVILS ARSE..HA HA HA ..' JAKE SAYS..'IF THE DEVILS ARSE SMELLS LIKE THAT I WON'T MIND HELL SO MUCH' HE LAUGHS..AND SAYS..'I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB YOUNG MAN' HIS LAUGH IS JOLLY. AND HE SEEMS A NICE FELLA. 'NO PROBLEM I SAY..WE DON'T MIND..IN FACT I RATHER LIKE IT.' 'NOW HE SAYS ..WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR.?' I POINT AT THE PIE WARMER..WE'LL TAKE THOSE PIES. AND LETS SEE. A DOZEN BOTTLES OF SAN MIGUELL..'. VERY GOOD HE SAYS, I'LL USE THIS BOX. BE EASIER FOR YOU TO CARRY. STAYING AT THE NEVILLES ARE WE..?' 'WHATS THE NEVILLES.? I ASKED. ITS THE LOCAL GUEST HOUSE HE SAID..BUT I'V NOT SEEN MUCH OF THEM LATLEY. STRANGE COUPLE THEY ARE..ALWAYS ARGUING..SHE'S A VAGAN. HE LOVES HIS BURGERS. BOUND TO FALL OUT DON'T YOU THINK.?' WE DON'T GET MANY VISITORS YOU SEE. NOT AT THIS TIME OF YEAR. A FEW DURING SUMMER. MAINLY HIPPIES VISITING THE STONES..' 'YOU CALLED AT THE THREE FEATHERS HE ASKS.? YES I SAID..'I KNOW HE SAYS..THEY PHONED ME. TOLD ME YOUR FROM A NEWSPAPER. SAID YOU WERE ASKIMG ABOUT THE MURDERS,?' 'YES I SAID, THE DAILY MILLER. 'I'VE NEVER SOLD NEWSPAPERS HE SAYS..TOO DIFFICULT.TOO HEAVY FOR MY BACK. WHAT'S MORE HE SAYS..I GET ENOUGH GOSSIP IN HERE WITHOUT READING THE PAPERS.' 'NOW, THESE MURDERS HE SAYS..A STRANGE BUSINESS DON'T YOU THINK.? INDEED. A VERY STRANGE BUSINESS. NO-ONE ARRESTED, NO ONE. BIT ODD DON'T YOU THINK.? A MONTH OR MORE SINCE THE LAST MURDER.? VERY ODD. AND NO LONGER REPORTS ON TV. NONE ON LOCAL RADIO. NOTHING IN THE PRESS.? GOT TO ASK YOURSELF. HOW CAN SOMETHING SO SERIOUS NOT FIND COVERAGE.?' 'YOU KNOW..APPARENTLY AT LEAST TWO OF THOSE MURDERED WERE POLICE OFFICERS..? STINKS DON'T YOU THINK.? COURSE I'VE HEARD ALL SORTS OF GOSSIP. ABOUT THE MURDERS. ABOUT THE NEVILLES.. SEX PARTIES..? ' NOW HE ASKS..CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE YOUR PIES GET COLD.?' WE BAUGHT THEM ALL..FOUR MEAT AND POTATOE AND FOUR STAKE N KIDNEY. SOME DRINKS AND I DROVE TO THE CHURCH CAR PARK.IT WASN'T FAR. WE SAT EATING THE PIES IN THE CAR PARK WHICH OVERLOOKED THE SMALL CEMETRY. THE GRAVES ALL LOOKED VERY OLD. SOME THOSE BIG STONE VICTORIAN TYPE. WE WERE EATING THE PIES AND JAKE SAID... 'KINDA SPOOKY LOOKING PLACE'. 'YES,SAID PASCAL,AND LOOK..THAT WOMAN..WITH FLOWERS'.? 'I SEE HER I SAID, YOU GUYS WAIT HERE, I'LL GO AND HAVE A WORD.' I LEFT THE CAR AND ENTERED THE GRAVEYARD THROUGH A HEAVY CAST IRON GATE. I WALKED ALONG THE PATH BETWEEN THE GRAVES TOWARD THE WOMAN. THEN SHE TURNED ROUND TO FACE ME AND ON SEEING ME DROPPED THE FLOWERS AND RAN OFF. I CHASED AFTER HER. SHE CLIMBED OVER THE GRAVEYARD WALL AND OUT OF MY SIGHT. I LOOKED OVER THE WALL. IT WAS THE BACK END OF A SERIES OF ALLOTMENTS. EACH ONE WITH ITS OWN SHED. BUT THE WOMAN WAS GONE. I WENT TO THE SPOT WHERE SHE HAD DROPPED THE FLOWERS AND I PICKED THEM UP. THERE WAS A CARD ATTACHED THAT SAID.. 'I'M SORRY I HAD TO DO IT, YOU KNEW TOO MUCH.GOOD BYE TM.' THEN IT HIT ME...THAT SCENT. THE SAME AS THE ONE IN THE ENVELOPE. I GOT BACK TO THE CAR. INSIDE I SAID TO THE GUYS SMELL THESE. I HANDED THEM THE FLOWERS..CARNATIONS SAID JAKE, LOVELY. NO I SAID , SMELL THE PAPER.... CHRIST SAID PASCAL..ITS THAT PERFUME..SAME.. 'YES I SAID AND THAT WOMAN CLIMBED OVER A WALL INTO AN AREA OF ALLOTMENTS. LIKE SHE VANISHED INTO THIN AIR..' 'LETS GO LOOK IN THE ALLOTMENTS.'SAID JAKE. OK I SAID. PASCAL READ THE CARD.. 'TM'..HE SAID..I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS..'? WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE GRAVEYARD THEN TO THE WALL WHERE I HAD SEEN THE WOMAN. WE STOOD LOOKING OVER THE WALL WHEN A VOICE CAME FROM THE CHURCH DOORWAY.. 'CAN I HELP YOU YOUNG MEN.? ' 'IN THE DOORWAY STOOD A SHORT PLUMP VICAR. WE WALKED TOWARDS HIM.. 'HELLO THERE, ERM..FATHER..' I SAID.. THE VICAR SAYS..'ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A PARTICULAR GRAVE, ONLY INSIDE WE HAVE A MICRO FISH MACHINE. IT COULD HELP'..? 'WELL NOT EXACTLY.' I SAID ..WE'RE FROM A NEWSPAPER. WE'RE HERE TO INVESTIGATE A STORY.' 'AHHH SAYS THE VICAR, I THINK YOU BETTER COME INSIDE. IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN.' WE FOLLOW THE VICAR INSIDE AND HE LEADS US TO AN OFFICE NEXT TO THE VESTRY.' 'PLEASE HE SAYS, COME IN. TAKE A SEAT. THERE WE'RE ONLY THREE CHAIRS. HIS AND TWO OTHERS..'IT'S OK SAID JAKE'..I'LL STAND. THE VICAR STOOD UP..AND SAID..'I'M FATHER MITCHELL. I'VE BEEN THE PRIEST AT THIS CHURCH FOR NEARLY FIFTEEN YEARS. AND I'M SURE I KNOW WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR. OVER THE YEARS, I'VE SEEN MANY STRANGE THINGS, NOT JUST HERE IN THE VILLAGE, BUT RIGHT HERE, IN THIS CHURCH, AND...IN THE GRAVEYARD.' HE CONTINUED..I WINKED AT JAKE TO RECORD THE SOUND. 'THE VICAR SAID.. SOME THINGS ..YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE'.. 'WHAT KIND OF THINGS..YOU MEAN LIKE GHOSTS AND THINGS.? I ASKED. 'NOT JUST THAT HE SAID..TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE ,FRIGHTNING THINGS.' HE GOES OVER TO THE WINDOW AND POINTS INTO THE GRAVEYARD 'SEE THAT LARGE TOMB LIKE GRAVE THERE.?' 'YES' I SAID. 'WELL THAT IS THE GRAVE OF VINCENT ADAMS. HE WAS A KNOWN MEMBER OF A SECRET GROUP OF DEVIL WORSHIPERS, RIGHT HERE IN THIS VILLAGE. BACK IN THE 60S.. THATS WHEN HE WAS KILLED.MURDERED. HIS KILLER WAS NEVER FOUND. HIS DAUGHTER STILL VISITS THE GRAVE AND LEAVES FLOWERS. HE WAS A VERY WEALTHY MAN.TOILET PAPER..' WE ALL CHUCKLED. 'TOILET PAPER ?' I ASKED. 'YES HE SAID, YOU KNOW THE NAME CLEANEX.? WELL THATS HIM. THE INVENTER OF TWO-PLY PAPER.YOU REMEMBER THE ADVERT.. SOFT AND STRONG AND LASTS SO LONG..?' 'WELL THAT'S HIM. LEFT A FORTUNE TO HIS FAMILY... IT'S ON THAT VERY GRAVE ALL THE MURDERD PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FOUND. TWELVE SO FAR.' THERE WAS SOMETHING DECIDELY ODD GOING ON. I ASKED THE VICAR, 'WHY HAS NOTHING BEEN ON THE MAIN NEWS ABOUT THESE MURDERS.?' 'OH THERE'S BEEN PLENTY ON THE LOCAL NEWS HERE. BUT YOUR RIGHT.AND I HAVE A THEORY ITS BECAUSE SOMEONE..OR THE POLICE ARE COVERING IT UP. YOU SEE, THREE OF THE MURDER VICTIMS WERE SERVING OFFICERS AND ANOTHER A MAGISTRATE. I HAVE A LIST HERE OF ALL THE VICTIMS AND , WELL, I'VE DONE QUITE A BIT OF RESEARCH.' HE HANDED ME A FOLDER. 'HERE HE SAID, TAKE A LOOK'. I OPENED THE FOLDER..PAGE ONE...NAME ..SIR HARVEY BRAMPTON.. 'HANG ON I SAID, HARVEY BRAMPTON..HOUSE OF LORDS.?' YES SAID THE VICAR, AND HE WAS THE SECOND TO DIE, KILLED, MURDERED. AND..SAID THE VICAR..NOT ONLY WE'RE ALL THE KILLERS VICTIMS FOUND RIGHT HERE IN THIS GRAVEYARD..BUT THEY WE'RE ALSO PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN THIS VILLAGE. GOOD GOD, SAID PASCAL. SO.. THE MURDERER IS A LOCAL MAN..' 'OR WOMAN' SAID JAKE. 'MAY I HANG ON TO THIS ..ERM..SORRY I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME.?' 'I DO APPOLOGISE, I'M FATHER BERNARD MITCHEL..BUT YOU CAN CALL ME BERNARD, AND YES, YOU CAN TAKE THAT WITH YOU. I HAVE ANOTHER COPY.' WELL I'M FRANK, AND THATS PASCAL AND JAKE. WE'RE PLEASED TO MEET YOU BERNARD, AND THANKS FOR THIS.' FATHER BERNARD SAYS.. I'M GUESSING YOUR STAYING AT THE NEVILLES..'? 'THE NEVILLES.?' I ASKED..'YES HE SAID, IT'S THE ONLY GUEST HOUSE IN THE VILLAGE.' 'WELL I SAID, WE HADN'T EXPECTED TO STAY OVER TO BE HONEST BUT NOW ..AS WE HAVE ALL THIS..'..I HELD UP THE FILE.. 'BUT IF YOU HAVN'T BOOKED INTO THE NEVILLES, YOU WOULD BE VERY WELCOME TO STAY HERE AT THE RECTORY. ITS JUST NEXT DOOR. I HAVE A SPARE DOUBLE ROOM AND ONE OF YOU WOULD HAVE TO SLEEP ON A CAMP BED..BUT, WELL, IT'S MODEST BUT YOU'D BE MOST WELCOME'. WE DECIDED TO TAKE UP THE VICARS OFFER. WE ALL AGREED THERE WAS A LOT TO CHEW OVER. THIS WAS ONE STORY WE HAD TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF. I SAID TO FATHER BERNARD.'THANK YOU BERNARD, NOW WE WILL GO TO THE CONVENIENCE STORE. GET A FEW THINGS ..OK IF WE GET BACK FOR ABOUT SEVEN..?' BERNARD SAYS.. 'THATS FINE BUT IF YOU LIKE I CAN MAKE US ALL SOMETHING TO EAT.?' 'YOU ALL LIKE SPAGHETTI..?' 'I'M FRENCH' SAID PASCAL 'BUT WE LOVE PASTA TOO'.. 'WE CAN GET SOMETHING AT THE STORE BERNARD, NO PROBLEM.' 'OH ITS NO PROBLEM..I LIVE ALONE YOU SEE AND IT WILL BE GREAT TO COOK FOR YOU GUYS. I'LL BE GLAD OF THE COMPANY TOO.' 'AND WE CAN DISCUSS THIS CASE WERE ON..' WE TOOK BERNARD UP ON HIS OFFER BUT FIRST WE WENT TO THE COVENINCE STORE TO GET SUPPLIES. SNACKS AND OF COURSE..ALCOHOL. INSIDE THERE WAS A WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER. AN ELDERLY LADY WITH ONE ARM IN A SLING. 'I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU MEN..' SHE SAID..'I'VE HEARD YOUR LOOKING FOR INFORMATION ABOUT THE MURDERS. ALL I'LL SAY IS BE CAREFUL, AND BE WARNED. YOUR PLAYING WITH FIRE.' 'WHO TOLD YOU THIS.?' I ASKED HER. 'DOESN,T MATTER, SHE SAID, BUT JUST REMEMBER, KICK ONE OF US ROUND HERE AND WE ALL BLEED'. WE TOOK OUR SHOPPING TO THE CAR.AND MADE OUR WAY BACK TO THE VICARAGE. 'WE'LL HAVE DINNER WITH FATHER BERNARD THEN SIT DOWN WITH THE FILE OF INFORMATION HE'S GIVEN US..HE HAS ALL TWELVE MURDERS CATALOGUED IN DETAIL. ITS TOO INTERESTING TO IGNOOR AND..WE MIGHT FIND CLUES AS TO WHO IS BEHIND ALL THIS.' 'WHAT I FIND HARD TO EXPLAIN IS HOW CAN ALL THESE MURDER VICTIMS END UP ON THAT GRAVE OUT THERE, WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING.?' WE GET BACK TO THE VICARAGE. FATHER BERNARD HAS A ROARING FIRE LIT. 'NOW HE SAYS..'YOU THREE MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE. AND IN A MOMENT I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING OF INTEREST.' ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF US IS A LAPTOP. 'BUT BEFORE THAT,HE SAYS.. I KNOW ITS EARLY BUT SOMEWHERE THE SUN IS OVER THE YARDARM' 'NOW, WHAT WILL YOU DRINK..?' 'I'VE GOT MOST THINGS.' 'JAKE, WHAT WILL YOU HAVE.?' WE ENJOY A BEER OR TWO WHILE BERNARD PREPARES HIS SPAG BOLL. ITS A COZY ROOM, WELL FURNISHED. LEATHER FURNITURE.. ON THE WALLS VARIUOS WORKS OF ART. AND ALL INTERESTING. KLIMT, VAN GOH, AND SALVADOR DALI. ALSO, RELIGOUS PICTURES. MARY, JESUS AND THE APPOSTLES. FATHER BERNARD SAYS..'PLEASE GENTS, COME THROUGH TO THE DINING ROOM..DINNER IS SERVED..' THE TABLE IS SET AND ITS A REAL FEAST. BERNARD SAYS..'AND FOR AFTERS, JUST FOR YOU PASCAL..FRENCH CHEESE..' THE FIRE CRACKS AND SPITS..WE FINISH THE MEAL..'NOW SAYS BERNARD, IT'S TIME TO SHOW YOU'. 'PLEASE.. SIT YOURSELVES DOWN IN THE LIVING ROOM. ' HE OPENS THE LAPTOP.. CLICKS A FEW LINKS AND SAYS ..NOW WATCH THIS..' A WEBSITE APPEARS..ITS CALLED 'THE FOLLOWERS OF SATIN'.. THE FIRST PAGE OF THIS SITE WELCOMES VITORS.. IT SAYS...'WE ARE THE DIVINE CHURCH OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE FOLLOWERS OF SATIN.' THEN THERES A VIDEO.. FATHER BERNARD SAYS..'GO ON ..CLICK ON THAT..BUT I WARN YOU..ITS DISTURBING' I CLICK ON THE VIDEO.. THERES BACKGROUND MUSIC..DEEP.DARK...LIKE THE SOUND OF NICK CAVE.. THEN A BRASS LIONS HEAD GLEAMS AS IF MADE OF GOLD. THEN..A CLOSE UP OF A MOUTH..A HIDEOUS SITE. TEETH LIKE NEEDLES' AND BLOOD..LOTS OF BLOOD. THE SCREEN GOES BLACK..THEN SLOWLY.. A FACE APPEARS...SLOWLY.. PASCAL CALLS IT 'A FADE'.. ITS THE FACE OF A VERY NORMAL LOOKING MAN..BUT HE'S GRINNING.. ITS A STRANGE DISTURBING GRIN.. THEN THE FILM CUTS TO A GARDEN..ITS A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY.. CHILDREN PLAY ON A SWING..THERES A BLANKET.ITS A PICNIC.. THERE'S A MAN PLAYING FRIZBEE WITH A YOUNG BOY. THEN HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND SAYS..WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT..! 'ARE YOU LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE.?' 'ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A NEW PATH TO WEALTH AND PERSONAL FREEDOM.? A RICHER MORE FULLFILLED LIFE, A LIFE OF PLEASURE AND RECREATION.? WELL ALL THAT AND MORE CAN BE YOUR'S BY BECOMING ONE OF OUR FOLLOWERS. OUR CHURCH IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER. ITS A MYTH THAT SATIN IS ONLY CAPABLE OF CAUSING HARM. ON THE CONTRARY, IN OUR CHURCH WE BELIEVE THAT HIS HIGHNESS IS ALSO CAPPABLE OF DOING GREAT GOOD. FOR EXAMPLE, WE HAVE MISSIONS IN MANY OF THE WORLDS POOREST AND MOST HOSTILE OF PLACES..AFRICA, INDIA, WALES,YORKSHIRE AND OTHER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES.. JOINING OUR CHURCH IS EASY..JUST CLICK ON THE LINK AND FILL OUT THE FORM. FEES TO JOIN US STARTS FROM AS LITTLE AS THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS DEPENDING ON YOUR INTRODUCTARY OFFER. NOW LISTEN TO JUST A FEW OF THOSE WHO ARE NOW LIFE MEMBERS AND THE WAY THIER LIVES HAVE IMPROVED. THE VIDEO CUTS TO AN OLD WOMAN IN A ROCKING CHAIR ON THE PORCH OF A BIG HOUSE. SHE LOOKS WEALTHY. SHE SAYS TO THE CAMERA. 'I WAS LOST. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE. SO MUCH HATE AND TRAGEDY IN THE WORLD. SO MUCH EVIL. I SAID TO MYESELF, IF THERE IS A GOD, WHY DOES HE LET ALL THIS HAPPEN..? AND IF THERE IS A DEVIL..WHERE IS HE..AND CAN WE BLAME ONLY HIM FOR ALL THE BAD IN THE WORLD. SURELY WE CAN BLAME GOD TOO..? SO I DECIDED TO JOIN THE CHURCH. I WAS SUPRISED HOW EASY IT WAS EVEN FOR AN ELDERLY WOMAN LIKE ME TO SIGN UP FOR THE 'LIFE TILL DEATH' ETERNITY PLAN. AND I WAS SO HAPPY TO RECIEVE THE WELCOME PACK. A CAR STICKER, A CAR AIR FRESHNER, A DASH BOARD NODDING SATAN DOLL, AND ALL THE INFORMATION I NEEDED TO LEARN ABOUT MY NEW LIFE IN THE CHURCH. AND MY LIFE CHANGED OVERNIGHT. THE VERY NEXT MORNING I RECIEVED A CALL FROM THE CHURCH AND MALCOMB, A BLACK MAN, MY PERSONAL GUIDE HELPED ME TRANSFER FUNDS TO THE CHURCH. NOW I HAVE A FRIEND AND I'M SO HAPPY'... NEXT THE VIDEO CUTS TO A MAN WHO STANDS OUTSIDE A LOG CABIN. HE'S HOLDING A FISHING ROD. PINE TREES AND A LAKE..IT LOOKS LIKE TWIN PEAKS.. HE SAYS.. 'I'VE BEEN SICK OF THE WAY THIS COUNTRY HAS GONE. I MEAN WHO CAN YOU TRUST.? I LIVE IN A BEAUTUFUL PLACE HERE IN CANADA..BUT SLOWLY.. THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS MOVING IN. CHOPPING DOWN THE TREES, BUILDING ROADS.. ALL CAUSES POLUTION.. THE NUMBERS OF TROUT AND SALMON IN THIS LAKE DECLINE YEAR ON YEAR. AND WHO'S CREAMING OFF THE PROFFITS.? THE MULTINATIONS, THE CORPORATIONS, THE GOVERNMENT..THATS WHO. AND THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF THE AIR YOU BREATH IS TOXIC, IF THE FOOD YOU EAT IS POISONED,IF THE WATER YOU DRINK IS CONTAMINATED BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY THEIR WAY OUT OF THE SHIT. AND THOSE GREEDY BASTARDS DON'T CARE IF YOU LIVE OR DIE. SO WHO CAN YOU TURN TO FOR HELP.? NOT THE GOVERNMENT, NOT THE POLLITICANS, NOT EVEN GOD. I PRAYED TO HIM FOR YEARS AND WHAT CHANGED. ZILCH, NOTHING, NIL. SO I FIGURED WELL, IF HE'S NOT LISTENING I'LL TRY SOMEONE ELSE. AND THAT'S WHEN I FOUND THIS CHURCH. OR I SHOULD SAY IT FOUND ME. A LEAFLET WAS LEFT UNDER MY WINDOW WIPER. A SMALL LEAFLET THAT MADE SO MUCH SENSE. FIFTY PERCENT OFF AT 'TASTY JAKS BURGERS AND PIZZAS' NOW THERE'S A GUY I CAN TRUST. HIS BURGERS ARE MADE FRESH FROM 100% BEEF. NO ARTIFICIAL COLOURS PRESERVATIVES OR ADDATIVES. AND SO DAMNED TASTY. SO OF COURSE I WENT THERE TO GET THIS GREAT DISCOUNT. I SAID A BIG HI TO JAKE AS HE FLAMEGRILLED MY ORDER. AND A GUY IVE NEVER MET BEFORE CAME OVER AND SAID..MAY I TALK TO YOU TODAY ABOUT THE GOOD NEWS.? OH HERE WE GO I THOUGHT, THOSE CRANKS FROM THE WITNESSES. ALTHOUGH THEY NEVER TELL YOU WHAT THEY WITNESSED. 'IM NOT INTERESTD I SAID, I'M DONE WITH ALL THAT GOD SHIT..!! OH HE SAYS..THIS ISNT ABOUT GOD..ITS ABOUT SATAN. NOW I REALLY THOUGHT THIS GUYS A FRUIT LOOP. IT WILL ONLY TAKE A FEW MINUTES. OK I SAID TO HIM AND WE SAT DOWN. FROM HIS BAG HE PULLED A WAD OF CASH. I MEAN LIKE A REALLY BIG WAD. 'HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THIS HE ASKED.? JUST WHO ARE YOU I ASKED.? I AM THE DEVILS MESSANGER. I WORK FOR HIM AND THE CHURCH OF THE FOLLOWERS OF SATAN. HIS NAME WAS DAVID.HE TAUGHT ME ALL ABOUT THE CHURCH AND HOW IN NO TIME AT ALL I COULD BECOME VERY WEALTHY. AND NOW..THANKS TO THE CHURCH, DAVID AND SATAN, I AM... IT CUTS BACK TO THE FAMILY MAN IN THE GARDEN. HE SAYS TO CAMERA. 'AND THAT CAN BE YOU DEAR FRIENDS. ALL YOUR HOPES A DREAMS REALISED. JOIN US NOW.. THE CHURCH OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE FOLLOWERS OF SATAN. THEN AN IMAGE OF THE LIONS HEAD.. THE SCREEN GOES BLANK. WELL, WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT ASKS FATHER BERNARD.? VERY STRANGE I SAY, YES SAYS PASCAL. VERY STRANGE SAYS JAKE. HE CLOSES THE LAPTOP.. NOW SAYS FATHER BERNARD..TAKE A LOOK AT THE FILE I GAVE YOU. ON THE FIRST PAGE YOU NOTICE I'VE LISTED EACH OF THE VICTIMS, NAMES..DATES..WHEN THEIR BODY WAS FOUND AND OCCUPATION AND CAUSE OF DEATH. I TURN TO PAGE TWO..THERE'S A PHOTO OF MP.SIR HARVEY BRAMPTON. BODY FOUND 12TH NOVEMBER. CAUSE OF DEATH..POISON. PAGE TWO..MRS IRENE STOTT...TEACHER..ST LEAONARDS PRIMARY. BODY FOUND ON 14TH NOVEMBER. CAUSE OF DEATH. POISON AND STRANGULATION. PAGE THREE...PETER O'CONNER....POLICE OFFICER..CAUSE OF DEATH POISON AND GARROTT. PAGE FOUR ..PAGE FIVE..AND SO ON LISTING ALL TWELVE VICTIMS. NOW WHAT DO YOU NOTICE MOST ASKS FATHER BERNARD.? ALL POISONED I SAY.? PRECICELY SAYS BERNARD..AND WITH CYANIDE.. A QUESTION FATHER BERNARD..I SAY.. 'GO ON HE SAYS. HOW MANY OF THESE HAVE BEEN BURRIED..?' NOW THERE'S A VERY STRANGE THING..NONE. NOT A SINGLE BODY HAS BEEN RELEASED FROM THE MORGUE. NOW WHY WOULD THAT BE I WONDER.? AND THIS MRS CROMPTON..VICTIME NUMBER TWELVE..WHEN WAS SHE FOUND OUT THERE IN THE CAMETARY..?' A MONTH AGO SAYS.FATHER BERNARD. AND THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE..AS YOU SEE FROM THE DATES OF THE MURDERS..THERE WAS A TWO DAY GAP BETWEEN EACH ONE. BUT...NONE SINCE THAT LAST ONE..?' RATHER ODD DON'T YOU THINK..?' VERY VERY ODD..AND ANOTHER QUESTION..'WHY DID ALL THE VICTIMS HAVE THEIR HANDS REMOVED.?' AND ALSO..WHERE ARE THESE HANDS..?' I STARED OUT OF THE WINDOW AND LOOKED ACROSS THE GRAVEYARD. 'THE ANSWERS ARE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. AND TOMMOROW WE GO IN SEARCH OF THEM.' JAKE SAYS..WHERE FIRST..? THE NEVILLES I SAID. ERM..? WHY ASKED PASCAL, WE'RE STAYING AT THE VICARS..?' 'YES I SAID BUT.. I'M INTERESTED. IF THE LAST VICTIM STAYED THERE, WELL, THEY MIGHT KNOW SOMETHING.?' NEXT MORNING WE SET OFF. IT WAS ONLY THREE STREETS AWAY. A VERY OLD SIGN SWUNG ON A POST OUTSIDE.. IT SAID,,,BNB..VACANCIES.. THE GARDEN IN FRONT OF THE PROPERTY WAS OVERGROWN AND THE GENERAL LOOK OF THE PLACE WAS ..TIRED... WE PARKED OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. 'YOU GUYS WAIT HERE I SAID, I'LL GO AND HAVE A GANDER..' THE FRONT DOOR WAS A STRANGE COLOUR OF GREEN. AND IN THE CENTER OF IT, A BRASS KNOCKER. A LIONS HEAD. THE SAME LIONS HEAD I HAD SEEN IN THE VIDEO.. I KNOCKED..THREE TIMES.. NO ANSWER. I KNOCKED AGAIN.. I DONT KNOW WHY I DID IT BUT SOMETHING TOLD ME TO TAKE A PHOTO.. OF THE BRASS KNOCKER,,THE LIONS HEAD... THEN..THE DOOR OPENED.. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SAW.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- IN THE NEXT EPISODE...THE DEVIL RIDES OUT.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE DEVIL RIDES OUT. THE DOOR OPENED. BEFORE ME STOOD A GIRL IN A SCHOOL UNIFORM. SHE WAS CLEARLY IN DISTRESS..HER MASCARRA RAN AND SHE WAS SOBBING, CRYING, HER NOSE WAS RUNNING..SHE TRIED TO TALK. AMONG THE TEARS AND CRYING..SHE SAID.. 'THEY WANT TO KILL ME, THEY WANT TO SACRAFICE ME. PLEASE, FOR GODS SAKE..TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.. SHE RAN TO OUR CAR AND JUMPED IN . THE FRONT DOOR OF THE HOUSE CLOSED WITH A BANG.I WENT BACK TO THE CAR. PASCAL SAID TO HER..'ARE YOU OK LADY'? SHE WAS HYSTERICAL..'NO I'M FUCKING NOT OK' SHE YELLED.. 'THOSE BASTARDS IN THERE.. THEY WERE GOING TO KILL ME..!!!' I STARTED THE ENGINE..WE LEFT .. IT TOOK ONLY A FEW MINUETS TO GET BACK TO THE VICARAGE.. SHE KEPT SCREAMING ALL THE WAY..'EVEN DONNA DOESN'T KNOW.. SHE'LL BE NEXT.' I TURNED TO HER..'WHO'S DONNA..? I ASKED.. TELL ME ..IS SHE IN DANGER IN THAT HOUSE. 'THERE GOING TO KILL HER..' SHE SAID .. WE QUICKLEY LED HER INTO THE VICARAGE. FATHER BERNARD WAS AT THE DOOR. 'MY GOD,HE SAID, WHAT ON EARTH HAS HAPPENED. AND WHO IS THIS GIRL..?' 'WE WENT TO THE NEVILLES JUST TO HAVE A LOOK.SHE CAME RUNNING OUT, SCREAMING THEY WERE GOING TO SACRAFICE HER.' BERNARD KNELT DOWN BEFORE HER AND TOOK HER HAND. 'NOW MY DEAR HE SAID, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TELL ME, WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM.?' SHE SOBBED INTO A HANKY THEN SAID, I'M LORNA..I'M FROM HERE IN THE VILLAGE. MY FRIEND IS DONNA.. WE WENT TO A PARTY, THEY SAID IT WOULD BE A PARTY. WE BELIEVED THEM . THEY GAVE US ALCOHOL AND OUR DRINKS MUST HAVE BEEN SPIKED. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE WERE ASLEEP, BUT WHEN I WOKE I SAW DONNA STRAPPED TO A SORT OF ALTER.. THEY WERE ALL GATHERED ROUND HER WITH KNIVES. I SCREAMED. THEY TOLD ME TO BE QUIET. OR THEY WOULD DO THE SAME TO ME.. I WAS TERRIFIED. AND THEY WERE DRESSED IN LIKE REALLY WIERD GREEN OUTFITS. LIKE BOILER SUITS. AND ON THEIR HEADS THEY ALL HAD STRANGE CONE SHAPED HATS. ITS WAS FUCKING WIERD.' WHO WERE THESE PEOPLE I ASKED..DID YOU RECOGNISE ANY OF THEM..? 'NO SHE SAID..I DIDNT EVEN SEE DALE..?' WHO IS DALE ASKED JAKE.? HE'S OUR FRIEND FROM THE OUR COLLEGE. HE'S THE ONE WHO DROVE US TO THIS PARTY.' JAKE SAID, 'SOD THIS, I'M PHONING THE POLICE. ' 'WAIT SAID BERNARD, EVEN IF THEY TURN UP, THEY WONT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT A WARRANT. AND NOT ONLY THAT, AS I TOLD YOU,I REALLY BELIEVE SOMEHOW THEY ARE INVOLVED.' NOW LETS ALL CALM DOWN AND I'LL MAKE SOME TEA. BUT WE'LL HAVE TO SIT IN THE VESTRY..THERES MORE SEATING THERE.' 'ITS TRUE JAKE I SAID. I THINK WHAT WE NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW IS GET BACK TO THE NEVVILLES, DONNA IS IN GREAT DANGER.. BERNARD.. WE'LL LEAVE LORNA HERE WITH YOU..TAKE CARE OF HER. I GESTURED TO JAKE AND PASCAL..COME ON ..LETS GO... WAIT SAID BERNARD. HE QUICKLY WENT TO HIS DESK. HE PICKED UP A CRUCIFIX. 'THAKE THIS HE SAID, YOU MAY NEED IT IF I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOUR ABOUT TO FACE. I GRABBED THE CRUCIFIX AND WE RAN TO THE CAR. JAKE SAID..SHALL I RECORD..? NO TIME FOR THAT JAKE..WE NEED TO GET TO THAT HOUSE..AND FAST.. IT WAS ONLY A FEW STREETS AWAY..AND WE WERE THERE. I TOOK THE CRUCIFIX FROM MY POCKET AND WE WALKED THE FEW STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR. THERE IS WAS..THE LIONS HEAD.. I KNOCKED HARD..SEVERAL TIMES.. NOTHING...'TRY AGAIN SAID JAKE'. I KNOCKED EVEN HARDER,,THEN THE DOOR OPENED. A VERY NORMAL LOOKING MAN STOOD IN THE DOORWAY.. 'CAN I HELP ? ' HE SAID.. WE HAVE NO ROOMS AT THE MOMENT IF THATS WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR.' JAKE WASN'T PREPARED TO HANG AROUND. HE BARGED PAST THE MAN AND RUSHED INTO THE HOUSE. PASCAL FOLLOWED HIM.. 'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING SHOUTED THE MAN' 'THIS IS TRESSPASS.' INSIDE THE LIVING ROOM IT WAS NEAT AND TIDY. A BIT DATED OR RETRO 1970'S STYLE AS THEY CALL IT NOW.. A WOMAN APPEARED FROM THE KITCHEN AND SAID.. 'WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS.?' 'WHERES DONNA..I YELLED AT THEM.? 'WHO THE HELLS DONNA ? HE ASKED.. 'LISTEN I SAID..YOU HAD A PARTY HERE LAST NIGHT. THAT MUCH WE KNOW. YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW CALLED DALE WAS HERE WITH TWO GIRLS..ONE OF WHOME WE HAVE SAFE..BUT THE OTHER IS CALLED DONNA..? NOW WHERE IS SHE..? 'I DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT YOU GENTS ARE ON ABOUT, NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND I WANT YOU TO LEAVE THESE PREMMISSES RIGHT NOW OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE..' JAKE SAID..'FRIENDS OF YOUR'S ARE THEY.? THEN PASCAL SAYS..LETS TAKE A LOOK AROUND. THERES A DOOR HERE.. I'M GUESSING LEADS TO A CELLAR..? 'THERES NOTHING DOWN THERE..SAYS THE MAN..ONLY OLD TOOLS AND STUFF.. PASCAL TURNS HIS PHONE LIGHT ON AND GOES DOWN.. ITS A STEEP CLIMB DOWN TO THE CELLAR. JAKE WALKS PAST THE WOMAN TO THE NEXT ROOM. ITS THE DINING ROOM WITH A TABLE SET FOR TEN PEOPLE. JAKE SAYS TO THE WOMAN.'HOW MANY PEOPLE DO HAVE STAYING HERE..? 'THATS NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS' SHE SAYS. 'AND SO YOU KNOW..I'VE PHONED THE POLICE. THEY ARE ON THIER WAY.' I CALLED PASCAL UP FROM THE CELLAR. 'WHAT'S HAPPENING ? HE ASKS.. THE POLICE ARE COMING.. 'YES, SAYS THE MAN..AND YOU THREE SHALL ALL BE ARRESTED.' THE WOMAN SAYS..'YOU DISGUSTING FILTH. YOUR LOWER THAN PIGS.. YOU AND YOUR KIN SHALL SUCCER SWINE...YOUR LOINS SHALL WITHER LIKE BAD FRUIT. AND YOU WILL ALL SOIL YOURSELVES..' JAKE TURNED TO ME AND SAID..'SHE'S MENTAL'..!! THEN SHE CARRIED ON WITH HER RAVINGS .. 'YOUR CHILDREN SHALL ALL BE BORN OF SIX LEGS, THE SNOUT OF A PIG AND TROTTERS, AND BY MY LORD BE-ELZIBUB, YE SHALL BURN A HORRID DEATH OF FIRE AND GRIMSTONE'.. THE MAN YELLED AT HER...'ENOUGH LAMBERTHA,' THEN, BEFORE YOU COULD SAY 'MONK DE WALLY DU HONK' A POLICE MAN APPEARED IN THE ROOM. 'RIGHT HE SAID..WHAT'S GOING ON HERE THEN..HELLO HELLO HELLO..!!' I SAID TO HIM, YOU'VE GOT THAT WRONG.!!' IT SHOULD BE 'HELLO HELLO HELLO, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE THEN..?' 'OH HE SAID..I SEE.. LET ME CHECK..' HE TOOK OUT HIS LITTLE NOTE PAD, THOSE SMALL ONES THE POLICE HAVE. HE TURNED OVER A FEW PAGES..THEN SAID.. 'AHHH YES..HERE IT IS..RIGHT..NOBODY MOVE, YOUR ALL UNDER ARREST..ANYTHING YOU SAY.. IS ERM..THE EVIDENCE I SHALL GIVE..IS ERMM..' 'OFFICER I SAID, ITS NOT THAT, IT'S '.. 'YOU'RE UNDER ARREST, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT BUT ANYTHING YOU DO SAY.. CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW..' 'I SEE HE SAID..AND WHAT IF THEIR GUILTY.?' 'WHO I ASKED..? ' THEM HE SAID POINTING AT THE MAN AND HIS WIFE.. 'LOOK OFFICER, WITH DUE RESPECT, YOUR THE POLICE OFFICER. ITS YOUR JOB TO KNOW ALL THIS..' 'RIGHT HE SAYS..NOBODY MOVE..THIS IS A RAID..YOUR ALL UNDER ARREST.' 'HANG ON I SAID, ALL UNDER ARREST..? WHAT FOR..? YOU HAVN'T TOLD ANY OF US EVEN WHY YOUR HEAR..?' 'OH HE SAID, HAVN'T I..? HANG ON.'.HE GETS HIS LITTLE PAD OUT AGAIN.' 'RIGHT HE SAYS.WHAT THE JURY MUST UNDERSTAND..OH..HANG ON.. LETS START AT THE BEGINING..I CAME IN HERE ..' THIS MALARKY WENT ON FOR QUITE SOME TIME. THEN..SUDDENLY.. ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER CAME INTO THE ROOM..AND SHOUTED THROUGH A MEGAPHONE...DROP YOUR WEAPONS..NOW.' 'IF YOU DON'T DROP YOUR WEAPONS I WILL SHOOT.' HE WAS HOLDING A TAZER GUN.. 'I ROLLED UP A PIECE OF A MAGAZINE INTO A CONE SHAPE AND SHOUTED BACK AT HIM..THROUGH THE CONE..'WE ARE NOT ARMED, PLEASE PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON'.. HE LOWERED HIS TAZER GUN. 'NOW ' I SHOUTED THROUGH THE CONE..WALK SLOWLY TO THE FRONT DOOR. TAKE THIS OFFICER WITH YOU AND LEAVE..OR WE WILL GO ON A CAMPING HOLIDAY IN NORTH WALES..' HE GRABBED HIS COLLEGUE BY THE NECK..'LETS FUCK OFF FRANK, THIS IS TOO WIERD SHIT MAN..' AND THEY WERE GONE.... PHEW..SAID JAKE..THAT WAS SCARY.. MON DIUE SAID PASACAL.. THEN..SUDDENLY, THE MAN PULLED A GUN..A PISTOL..IT LOOKED LIKE A LUGAR..FIRST WORLD WAR STANDARD GERMAN ISSUE.. THE WOMAN..PRESUMABLY HIS WIFE SHOUTED..'SHOOT RANDOLFO..SHOOT THOSE PIGS.. MAKE THEM BLEED A HORRID PIG LIKE DEATH, LIKE THE DEVIL HIMSELF HATH BLED THEM, LIKE IN A ABATOIR IN BIRMINGHAM..' 'LAMBERTHA ..HE SHOUTED....'SHUT YOUR FUCKING STUPID GOB. YOU'R LIKE A WOMAN POSSESED. ' 'OH ..SHE SHOUTS BACK..SO NOW I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT TO SPEAK TO HIS HIGHNESS.?' AM I NOT THE HIGH QUEEN OF THE ALTER OF THE TABLE OF SATIN OR NOT..?' HE POINTS THE GUN AT HER.. 'YOU HORRBLE BITCH HE SHOUTS AT HER,,YOU GOT ME INVOLVED IN THIS'.. 'NO I SHOUTED.... DON'T SHOOT.. GIVE ME THE GUN RANDOLF..' 'NO ..HE SHOUTED BACK..THIS BITCH.' HE POINTED WITH THE GUN AT LAMBERTHA.. THIS BITCH GOT ME INTO THIS..I WANTED A HAPPY LIFE OF RETIREMENT IN THE COTSWOLDS. I WANTED TO GO A MACRAMI COURSE, LEARN RAKI..DO BASKET WEAVING.. BUT THAT FILTHY QUEEN OF THE DARKNESS..SHE PUT A STOP TO MY DREAMS.' HER..!!! THAT SADISTIC BITCH..SHE GOT ME ENTWINED IN A DISGUSTING WORLD OF DEVIL WORSHIP AND MURDER..!!!!' 'I'M GOING TO KILL HER BRFORE SHE CAN MURDER ANYONE ELSE' THEN SHE SUDDENLY STARTED LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. SHE HELD UP A CHICKENS FOOT. SHE CAME OVER TO ME. SHE WAVED THE CHICKENS FOOT IN MY FACE. 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING'?. I ASKED. SHE WAS STILL LAUGHING ..'I'M WAVING THIS CHICKENS FOOT IN YOUR FACE' SHE YELLED. 'AND THEN I'M GOING TO WAVE IT YOUR FRIENDS FACES AND YOU WILL ALL BE CURSED.' THEN I REMEMBERED, THE CRUCIFIX FATHER BERNARD HAD GIVEN ME. I QUICKLY PULLED IT FROM MY POCKET AND HELD IT TOWARDS HER AT ARMS LENGTH, JUST LIKE PETER CUSHING. SHE SCREAMED. LOUDER AND LOUDER.THEN A SORT OF GREEN SLIME STARTED TO OOZE FROM HER MOUTH. 'DON'T BE FOOLED BY THAT GREEN STUFF', SAID RANDOLFO, 'SHE MAKES IT FROM PEAS IN THE FOOD BLENDER, FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT'.. SHE SPITS IT OUT AT RANDOLFO..THEN SAYS..'YOU TRAITOR, YOU PORCINE FILTHY BASE REPTILE OF THE ANTIPODESE.' RANDOLFO SAYS..'HAVE YOU FINISHED YOU PATHETIC HARLOT, YOU STINKING JEZABEL, YOU WART INFESTED POX RIDDLED TART.' SHE LAUGHS AGAIN HYSTERICALY THEN SAYS.. 'OH GO ON..TELL ALL HERE ABOUT MY PERSONAL GINITAL DISSORDERS WHY DON'T YOU. AND SHALL I SHARE WITH THEM YOUR COCK TROUBLE. SHALL I TELL THEM ABOUT THE CREAMS?' RANDOLFO SNEERS AT HER AND SAYS..'HOW GOD DAMN IT. HOW LOW CAN YOU STOOP LAMBERTHA..?' 'TO TELL THESE WITNESSES HERE PRESENT OF MY COCK TROUBLES, BUT NOT OF YOUR HENIOUS CRIMES OF MURDEROUS SLAUGHTER. OF ALL THE INNOCENT LIVES YOU'VE TAKEN.?' JAKE ASKS...'WHAT TIMES THE SNOOKER ON..? ITS O'SULIVAN AND THAT LITTLE CHINESE BLOKE.?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TBC..... RANDOLFO SAID...'IT STARTS AT 4PM..EVENING SESSION. BUT SHOULD'T WE SORT THIS MESS OUT FIRST. '? I SAID TO RANDOLFO..'GIVE ME THAT GUN..NOW.' HE SLOWLY AND RELUCTANTLY PASSED ME THE GUN. 'NOW YOU TWO, SIT DOWN THERE ON THE COUCH. WE WILL GET TO THE DETAIL OF THIS DAY. PASCAL..'SET UP THE CAMERA.' 'JAKE.. GET READY TO RECORD.' BUT FIRST I SAY TO RANDOLFO..'WHERE IS DOANNA..?' 'YOU MEAN DONNA,,?' SAID RANDOLFO. 'YES I SAID, SORRY, IT WAS A TYPO ERROR.' 'SHE'S IN THE SHED, IN THE GARDEN.' 'I ONLY LOCKED HER THERE FOR HER OWN SAFETY, SO THIS COW COULDNT HARM HER.' 'QUICK JAKE..GO TO THE SHED..MAKE SURE SHE'S SAFE.' LAMBERTHA HAS CALMED DOWN AND IS SOBBING. RANDOLFO IS SAT WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. JAKE COMES IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR. HE HOLDS THE HAND OF DONNA. 'THEY HAD HER BOUND AND GAGGED IN A DOG CAGE.' DONNA ASKS..'WHERE'S LORNA, IS SHE OK..?' 'YES , SHE'S FINE, WE LEFT HER AT THE VICARAGE WITH FATHER BERNARD.' 'OHH NOOO, SHOUTS DONNA..'HE'S ONE OF THEM, HE'S ONE OF THESE DEVIL WORSHIPERS. HE WAS HERE LAST NIGHT. HE'S THE HIGH PRIEST OF THE CULT' 'YES SAID LAMBERTHA ,AND I'M THE HIGH PRIESTESS.' 'RIGHT I SAID, PASCAL, I'M SORRY, PACK AWAY THE GEAR, LOAD IT INTO THE CAR.' I TURNED TO RANDOLFO..WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE VICARAGE.' LAMBERTHA SHOUTS..'I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.' RANDOLFO SAYS.. 'I'VE GOT DUCK TAPE..SHALL I GAG HER..?' 'DO IT' I SAID..AND THEN HE SAID I'VE GOT AN IDEA..' 'WHATS THAT I ASKED..?' I HAVE A WOODEN TRAILER. YOU HAVE A TOW BAR ON YOUR CAR. WE WON'T ALL FIT IN THE CAR.' I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MOMENT. IT WASN'T A BAD IDEA. RANDOLFO WENT TO A DRAWER AND PULLED OUT THE DUCK TAPE. LAMBERTHA SHOUTED..'OH GO ON, STRAP ME UP AGAIN..YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT YOU FILTHY PERVERT.' RANDOLFO LAUGHS AS HE TAPES HER HANDS. 'YOU LOVE IT YOU DIRTY BITCH , HE SAYS, 'WHY ARE YOU NOT SINGING OUR SONG.?' SHE SHOUTS..'YOU KNOW IT MAKES ME SO HORNY'. 'SINGING.? I ASKED..? 'YES SAYS RANDOLFO..I USUALY SING 'OH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE'. THEN HE STARTS SINGING..'OH, SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I FOUND YOU'.. LAMBERTHA IS IN EXTASSY..'OHH YESS SHE SHOUTS...SING LOUDER..TAPE ME UP..' JAKE SAYS.. I'LL GET DONNA INTO THE CAR. PASCAL WILL HITCH UP THE TRAILER. OK I SAY.. WE NEED TO GET BACK TO THE VICARAGE ..GOD KNOWS WHAT PERIL LORNA IS IN'.. LAMBERTHA IS STILL SCREAMING DESPITE BEING TAPED UP.. JAKE COME BACK IN..TRAILER ALL SORTED HE SAYS..ME AND PASCAL WILL GET IN THERE. WE'LL HIDE UNDER THE TARPOLIAN.. YOU GET IN THE CAR WITH THESE TWO AND DONNA.. AND SO WE DO.. RANDOLFO FORCES LAMBERTHA INTO THE BACK SEAT. DONNA GETS IN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT AND WITH JAKE AND PASCAL IN THE TRAILER ..WE SET OFF... IT'S ONLY A FEW STREETS AWAY BUT AT THE JUNCTION TO THE MAIN ROAD.. A POLICE CAR STOPS US.. WE PULL OVER. HE GETS OUT OF THE POLICE CAR..ITS THE SAME POLICEMAN WHO CAME TO THE HOUSE EARLIER.... HE STRIDES OVER TO MY DOOR..CONFIDENDLY..HE GESTURES FOR ME TO WIND DOWN THE WINDOW. I WIND THE WINDOW DOWN. HE GETS OUT HIS LITTLE NOTE BOOK FROM HIS TOP POCKET. 'NOW THEN SIR..HE SAYS..IS THIS YOUR VEHICLE SIR..?' YES I SAY.. IT IS.' 'SO YOU ADMIT IT..?' ADMIT WHAT I ASK.?' 'THAT THIS IS YOUR CAR.'HE SAYS. 'YES CONSTABLE, I ADMIT IT. IT'S MY CAR NOW CAN WE PLEASE BE ON OUR WAY.?' 'ALL IN GOOD TIME SIR.' HE SAYS. HE GETS HIS LITTLE BOOK OUT AND LICKS HIS PENCIL. 'NOW, DO YOU ALSO ADMIT THAT THE CAR PARKED IN FRONT OF YOU IS A POLICE CAR'.? 'YES I SAY...I ADMIT IT.' 'AND YOU ADMIT THAT THAT CAR IS NOT YOUR CAR..?' 'CONSTABLE, IT'S A POLICE CAR. HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE MY CAR..?' 'SO HE SAID, YOU WANT TO RESIST ARREST. ?' 'ARREST, ARREST FOR WHAT.? .ADMITTING THIS IS MY CAR AND THAT ONE ISN'T.?' 'HANG ON HE SAYS..I RECOGNISE YOU. YOUR THE MAN I SAW AT THE GUESTHOUSE EARLER TODAY.? 'YOU THREATENED TO GO ON A CAMPING HOLLIDAY IN NORTH WALES..? 'YES I SAID..AND IF YOU DON'T GO AWAY, WE'LL GO ON ANOTHER CAMPING HOLLIDAY IN SOUTH WALES.'.. IT SEEMED TO WORK ..'VERY WELL SIR, HE SAID, THAT WILL BE ALL.' THEN HE DROVE OFF...'WHAT A KNOBHEAD'... SAID DONNA.. I STARTED THE CAR AND A FEW MINUTES LATER WE ARRIVED AT THE VICARAGE. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EPISODE THREE.. THE TRUTH WILL OUT.. DONNA LEAPT FROM THE CAR AND RAN INTO THE VICARAGE.JAKE AND PASCAL CAME FROM THE TRAILER. THEY FOLLOWED DONNA. I TOLD RANDOLF TO TAKE HIS WIFE INTO THE VICARAGE. AT GUNPOINT. INSIDE, THERE WAS NO SIGN OF LORNA OR THE VICAR. BUT A WOMAN. ELDERLY WEARING THICK GLASSES. SHE SAID..'WHATS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS. I'M THE WARDEN OF THIS PLACE. AND I DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO THIS DISTURBANCE.' 'MAYBE NOT I SAID , BUT WHERES FATHER BERNARD AND LORNA..?' 'I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS AND IV'E CERTAINLY NEVER HEARD OF A LORNA.' 'HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE , TODAY I MEAN..?' 'ONLY ABOUT AN HOUR' SHE SAYS. I WENT TO THE STOVE. THE KETTLE WAS STILL WARM. 'THEY CAN'T BE FAR' I SAID.. 'IS THERE A CELLAR HERE' I ASKED THE WOMAN.? 'YES SHE SAID, BUT IT'S A COLD DAMP PLACE WITH POOR LIGHTING. YOU'LL NEED A TORCH.' 'OH AND BE CAREFULL OF THE STAIRS..SOME ARE VERY ROTTEN AND DANGEROUS.' 'WHAT'S YOUR NAME I ASKED HER.?' 'MARTHA..'.. JAKE AND PASCAL MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE CELLAR.. RANDOLFO LOOKS DOWN AT LAMBERTHA WHO SITS ON THE FLOOR.. HE STARTS SINGING..'OH SWEET MYSERY OF LIFE AT LAST I'VE FOUND YOU .' MARTHA JOINS IN WITH THE SINGING..SHE'S OPERATIC AND LOUD. DONNA SHOUTS AT THEM..'SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR CHRISTS SAKE.' THE SINGING STOPS. THEN SUDDENLY THE BACK DOOR OPENS AND THERE'S FATHER BERNARD..HE'S HOLDING SOME FLOWERS. 'OH HELLO AGAIN , HE SAYS.' YOU'R BACK..? 'NEVER MIND THAT, I SAID, WHERE'S LORNA..?' 'OHH THE GIRL..THE ONE YOU LEFT HERE.. ?' 'YES I SAID, WHERE IS SHE..?' THEN THERE'S A VOICE FROM THE CELLAR..ITS JAKE..'SHE'S DOWN HERE HE SHOUTS. SHE'S OK..WERE BRINGING HER UP.' I POINT THE GUN AT FATHER BERNARD...NOW..IN THE VESTRY..YOU TOO RANDOLFO..AND HER.' NOW WE ARE ALL SAT ON THE BENCHES IN THE VESTRY. MARTHA SAYS...SHALL I MAKE TEA FOR US ..?' FATHER BERNARD SAYS..YES.. THAT WOULD BE LOVELY MARTHA DEAR..AND BRING SOME OF THOSE SPECIAL BISCUITS YOU MADE..' JAKE AND PASCAL BRING LORNA IN. HER HANDS HAD BEEN TIED WITH PLASTIC ZIP TIES. OK JAKE ..GET THE THE CAMERA AND GEAR..WERE MAKING A FILM. PASCAL AND JAKE GET THE EQUIPMENT AND SET IT UP. 'NOW..I SAID TO EVERYONE..WE'LL HAVE THE TEA AND THEN ITS ACTION TIME. AND YOU WILL ALL TELL THE TRUTH..!!!' MARTHA APPEARED WITH A TROLLY. CUPS AND SAUCERS..A LARGE TEA POT AND PLATE OF BISCUITS. IF THE OCCASION WASN'T SO SERIOUS IT WOULD FEEL LIKE A CHURCH GATHERING. MARTHA POURS THE TEA AND PASSES THE CUPS ROUND. PASCAL HAS THE CAMERA SET UP AND JAKE IS ALL READY TO RECORD.. 'I RECORD A PIECE TO CAMERA..AN INTRODUCTION.., 'THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE..THE PEOPLE YOU SEE IN THIS FILM ARE NOT ACTORS..THEY ARE REAL INDIVIDUALS. ON TONIGHTS PROGRAMME WE INVESTIGATE THE STRANGE WORLD OF THE OCCULT AND IN PARTICULAR..DEVIL WORSHIP..!!!' I WANT TO START BY INTERVIWING FATHER BERNARD..I'M THINKING A BIT OF BACKGROUND. BUT HE'S SWEATING, A LOT.. WE NEED SOME MAKE UP .. 'DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY MAKE-UP I ASK..?' MARTHA SAYS..I DO..I'VE DONE THIS KIND OF THING BEFORE.' 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?. I ASK.. 'I WORK WITH THE LOCAL THEATRE GROUP. I'VE GOT A BAG OF MAKE UP IN THE CAR.' 'GO WITH HER JAKE' I SAY.. WE DRINK TEA AND PASCAL PICKS UP ONE THE BISCUITS. DONNA KNOCKS IT FROM HIS HAND. 'DON'T SHE SAYS..ITS DRUGGED. WE HAD THOSE AT THE PARTY LAST NIGHT.' MARTHA IS BACK WITH HER MAKE-UP BAG. 'WHO AM I DOING ?' SHE ASKS.. 'FATHER BERNARD I SAY'.. SHE OPENS HER BAG AND GETS POWDER AND A BRUSH..SHE SAYS TO THE PRIEST.. 'JUST RELAX NOW AND REMEMBER YOUR LINES..AND DON'T LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.., YOU'LL BE FINE DEAR..' SHE ASKS ME HOW HE LOOKS. 'BETTER I SAY, THANKS MARTHA..' 'OK I SHOUT TO EVERYONE..STAND BY.. QUIET EVERYONE..READY JAKE..? HE NODS. READY PASCAL..HE NODS. THE CAMERA IS FOCUSED CLOSE UP ON THE PRIEST.. DESPITE MARTHAS MAKE-UP JOB HE STILL LOOKS A BIT SWEATY. BUT WE GO..' 'ROLL SOUND I SHOUT..THEN..ANNNND...ACTION..!!! I WAIT A FEW MOMMENTS THEN I SAY TO HIM..PLEASE TELL US YOUR NAME AND WHO YOU ARE HERE..' HE LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS..I'M FATHER BERNARD MANCINI OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF ST BRENDA'S.' I WAIT A FEW MOMENTS FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT..THEN I ASK HIM.. 'HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THE PRIEST HERE AT ST BRENDAS.?' HE LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS..' HOW WAS THAT,?' AM I DOING OK.?' I SHOUT 'CUT'...... I KNEEL DOWN IN FRONT OF FATHER BERNARD..HE PUTS HIS HAND ON MY HEAD AND SAYS.. 'BLESS YOU MY SON'.. 'FATHER I SAY..I'M NOT NEEDING A BLESSING. I'M GIVING YOU DIRESCTION. NOW LISTEN. ONCE THAT CAMERA THERE IS ROLLING.. WE DON'T STOP. WE CONTINUE UNTILL YOU HEAR ME SAY 'CUT'..' 'UNDERSTAND ..? HE SAYS YES..'BLESS YOU'.. MARTHA COMES FORWARD AND BRUSHES HIS FACE AGAIN WITH POWDER.. SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS..'YOU'LL BE FINE. JUST RELAX AND THINK OF BOGART..HE WAS MAGNIFICENT..YOU CAN DO THIS..WE'RE ALL BEHIND YOU.' I THANK MARTHA THEN SHOUT..OK..PLACES EVERYONE.. RANDOLFO SAYS..'WHEN DO WE GET OUR TURN...? 'WHEN WE GET THE CHANCE I SAY..' DONNA SAYS..'I THINK WE NEED A SHOOTING SCRIPT..?' 'IVE DONE IT AT COLLEGE.''EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHEN THIER SCENES ARE.' 'DONNA, I SAY..MY DEAR, THATS A GOOD IDEA..BUT WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME. WE NEED TO GET THIS DONE AS SOON AS WE CAN.' 'LORNA SAYS.. 'I'M ON THE SAME COURSE WITH DONNA ..MEDIA STUDIES..I WAS A RUNNER FOR A WEEK WITH RICHARD AND JUDY..' MARTHA SAYS..IVE DONE MAKE UP ON GEORGE GALLOWAY..' RANDOLFO SAYS..IVE BEEN IN AN EPISODE OF 'THE BILL'.. SMALL EXTRA PARTS I GRANT YOU BUT LAMBERTHA WAS AMAZING..' SHE TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING BEHIND THE DUCK TAPE.. I ASK RANDOLFO TO REMOVE THE DUCK TAPE FROM HER MOUTH .. 'I WAS NURSE HARGREAVES SHE SAYS.I WAS TAKING CARE OF A MAN WHO HAD BOTH LEGS AMPUTATED AFTER A CAR ACCIDENT..' 'OH THE POOR SOUL' SAYS BERNARD.. 'HAD HE BEEN DRINKING..?' 'OH FOR GODS SAKE, SAYS LORNA..ITS ALL MADE UP. IT'S NOT REAL.' 'OK I SHOUT, NOW WE'RE GOING FOR A TAKE.QUIET EVERYONE. NOW BERNARD, JUST TELL US IN YOUR OWN WORDS EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS CULT..OK..?' 'OK SAYS BERNARD.' THE ROOM IS QUIET. PASCAL IS READY. 'AND.....ACTION'. HE STARTS. 'MY NAME IS FATHER BERNARD. I'VE BEEN THE VICAR HERE FOR TWELVE YEARS. WE ARE IN THE VILLAGE OF FENSWADE. IT HAS A POPULATION OF APROXIMATLY TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE. ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO, I WAS ASKED TO OFFICIATE AT AN EXORCISM AT THE NEVILLES GUEST HOUSE. THEY HAD BEEN VISITED SEVERAL TIMES BY AN ENTITY. A VIOLENT POLTERGIEST. I'VE DONE MANY OF THESE RITUALS OVER THE YEARS BUT THIS WAS BY FAR THE STRANGEST. YOU SEE, THERE ARE QUITE A FEW TYPES OF EXPERIENCES PEOPLE HAVE. GHOSTS, VISIONS, ETHERIAL IMAGES. BUT IN NEARLY ALL CASES..THEY APPEAR THEN THEY VANISH. POLTERGIESTES ARE OFTEN JUST A FORCE, A MALEVOLENT FORCE THAT HAS THE ABILTY TO MOVE OBJECTS. SLAM DOORS ECT.. THEY CAN BE VERY DISTURBING. BUT AT THE NEVILLES, RANDOLFO, LAMBERTHA AND MYSELF WITNESSED THE MOST BIZAR OF ALL. YOU SEE, THIS THING APPEARED, I SAY THING BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE HALF MAN,HALF BEAST. AND IT WAS AS REAL BEFORE US AS YOU ARE NOW. AND EVEN MORE FRIGHTENING WAS THE FACT THAT IT SPOKE...A VOICE LIKE NON OF US HAD EVER HEARD. IT HAD HORNS.ITS FLESH WAS BLOOD RED. AND ON THE LOWER PARTS..HAIR..LIKE THAT OF A WOLF. AND EVEN MORE BIZAR AS IF SUCH A THING WAS POSSIBLE. WE COULD SMELL IT. A FOUL SMELL THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET.' WE WERE ALL AMAZED AT THE STORY SO FAR. 'CUT I SAID'..PASCAL STOPPED THE CAMERA. OK I SAID..SO FAR SO GOOD. NOW..WE'LL HAVE MORE TEA PLEASE MARTHA. THEN WE SHALL FILM RANDOLFO AND LAMBERTHA. WE WANT THIER VERSION OF THE STORY NEXT. MARTHA WHEELS THE TEA TROLLY TO THE KITCHEN. THEN SHE COMES OVER TO ME AND WISPERS. 'WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO LAMBERTHAS MAKE-UP.SHE LOOKS A BIT DOWDY. I CAN ADD SOME COLOUR. IN FACT WOULD IT HELP IF I MAKE HER LOOK A BIT TARTY..'? 'THANK YOU MARTHA I SAY, THATS A GOOD IDEA.' SHE SMILES AND SAYS..'I'LL GET THE TEA.' PASCAL SETS THE CAMERA UP OPOSITE RANDOLFO AND LAMBERTHA. JAKE MIC'S THEM UP. MARTHA BRINGS IN THE TEA. SHE SERVES US ALL..THEN SHE TURNS TO LORNA AND DONNA AND SAYS, 'THESE BISCUITS ARE STILL IN THE PACKET. UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN HANDS. THEN SHE RAISES HER MIDDLE FINGER AT THEM..SUCK THAT.!!!' I LIKE MARTHA..SHE HAS A GREAT ATTITUDE. SHE REMINDS ME OF MY MUM..' MARTHA GETS HER MAKE-UP BAG AND GETS TO WORK ON LAMBERTHA. SHE ASKS MARTHA..'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING.?' 'IT'S CAMERAS LOVEE..THEY DON'T LIKE PALE. THEY PREFER A LITTLE COLOUR. NOW PURSE YOUR LIPS LIKE THIS..' LAMBERTHA PERTS HER LIPS AND MARTHA FILLS THEM WITH THE MOST VIVID RED LIPSTICK. SHE MAKES SURE SOME OF IT IS SMUDGED. THE EFFECT IS AS SHE SAID TO ME. SHE'S MADE LAMBERTHA LOOK TARTY. AND A LITTLE UNHINGED. PERFECT. NOW, PLEASE MARTHA..A LITTLE POWDER ON RANDOLFO.. THEN WE'RE READY.. I SAY TO RANDOLFO..'OK, YOU BEGIN AND THEN I'LL ASK YOU QUESTIONS. YOU CAN BOTH ANSWER..'UNDERSTAND..?' HE NODS..SHE NODS.. 'OK I SHOUT, QUIET EVERYONE. IT'S SHOWTIME. I SIGNAL TO PASCAL. THE CAMERA IS ROLLING.....ANNNNNND....ACTION.!!!!! REVELATIONS.. RANDOLFO SAYS NOTHING..I GESTURE TO HIM TO SPEAK.HE JUST STARES AT ME. 'OK I SAY, NOW CAN YOU TELL US YOUR NAMES..AND HOW THIS ALL BEGAN.?' HE CLEARS HIS THROAT. BUT BEFORE HE CAN START TO EXPLAIN LAMBERTHA SHOUTS.. 'HE'S GOING TO LIE..' HE GRABS HER HAND AND SQUEEZES IT. HE SAYS..'ITS ALRIGHT DEAR, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. WE'LL JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH'. THEN HE SAYS..'WE ARE MR AND MRS NEVILLE..WE ARE THE OWNERS OF THE 'NEVILLES GUESTHOUSE.' 'APROXIMATLY THREE YEARS AGO, WE STARTED TO HEAR STARNGE NOISES COMING FROM ONE OF THE GUEST ROOMS. BUT ONLY WHEN IT WASN'T OCCUPIED. ONLY WHEN IT WAS EMPTY.' 'AT FIRST' SAID LAMBERTHA... 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN AT FIRST' I ASKED. 'WELL SAID RANDOLFO. I WOULD WAIT BEHIND THE DOOR.INSIDE THERE WOULD BE ALL KINDS OF STRANGE NOISES AND BANGINGS..CUPBOARDS, THE WARDROBE DOORS..THEN, I WOULD QUICKLY OPEN THE DOOR AND WHOOSH..!!! WHAT EVER IT WAS WAS GONE.' 'AT FIRST' SAID LAMBERTHA ..AGAIN. I ASK AGAIN WHAT SHE MEANS..'SHE SAYS..'WELL AS RANDOLFO SAYS, WHEN HE ENTERED THE ROOM, THE THING WAS GONE.BUT WHEN I ENTERED THE ROOM WITHOUT HIM, THE THING STAYED. AND SPOKE TO ME..I COULD SEE IT AND HEAR IT AND...SMELL IT'. RANDOLFO SAID..'WE REALISED YOU SEE THAT IT WOULD ONLY COMMUNICATE WITH HER.' LAMBERTHA SAID..'AT FIRST'. 'YES SAID RANDOLFO, EVENTUALLY IT WOULD APPEAR TO ME TOO. AND I WAS ABLE TO SEE IT AND TALK TO IT. IT WAS VERY VERY SCARY AND UPSETTING. AND IT WAS OBVIOUS WE COULDNT RENT THAT ROOM OUT.' 'SO IT APPEARED TO YOU FIRST LAMBERTHA AND SPOKE TO YOU.?' YES SHE SAID..'WELL CAN YOU DESCRIBE IT TO US AND THEN TELL US WHAT IT SAID.?' 'IT WAS HIDEOUS. DISGUSTING AND FRIGHTENING.. AND THE STENCH. I WANTED TO VOMIT. IT WAS TALL WITH PEIRCING RED EYES, ON IT'S HEAD WERE HORNS LIKE OF A GOAT. IT'S SKIN WAS BLOOD RED. TO IT'S WAIST. THEN HAIR, LIKE AN ANIMAL. AND ITS HANDS..' 'WHAT ABOUT THEM ?' I ASKED.. 'BLACK BLACK AND BLACKER THAN BLACK. WITH LONG NAILS LIKE TALLONS. LIKE OF A BIRD, OF AN EAGLE.' OK I SAID, 'NOW LETS GO BACK TO THE VERY FIRST TIME IT APPEARED AND SPOKE TO YOU. WHAT DID IT SAY AND DESCRIBE THE SOUND..' 'YES SHE SAID. 'THE VOICE WAS SO DEEP, THE DEEPEST VOICE I'VE EVER HEARD. AND THE WORDS, THEY CAME OUT SO SLOWLY..ALMOST LIKE TOO SLOW, SO OTHER WORDLY. ' AND THE FIRST TIME IT SPOKE I ASKED, 'WHAT DID IT SAY'.? 'IT APPERED FROM INSIDE THE WARDROBE. IT SNARLED AND ITS TEETH. MY GOD, LIKE NEEDLES. AND LIKE ITS MOUTH WAS FULL OF BLOOD. THEN IT SAID..SLOWLY..' SHE SUDDENLY STOPPED AND SATRTED CHOKING.. LIKE SHE WAS HAVING SOME KIND OF FIT. RANDOLFO GRABBED HER HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND SAID TO HER..'LOOK AT ME..LOOK AT ME..!!!' SHE BLURBS WORDS. SOUNDED LIKE 'ARSE MONKEY JOCK STRAPS ELASTIC QUIM CHICKENS.' IT MADE NO SENSE. THEN A HORRID YELLOW FOAM COMES FROM HER MOUTH. THEN SHE COLLAPSED. RANDOLFO SAYS..'IT'S HIM, HE'S TRYING TO COME THROUGH HER..' FATHER BERNARD TAKES OUT A CRICIFIX..AND STARTS TALKING IN LATIN HOLDING THE CRICIFIX IN HER FACE.. 'NOS LOBOS DEL QUINTATUM FARMACUSI PEPARONI ET CIRIO POMODORO DAPIO CONCENTRATO'. I TOLD PASCAL TO STOP FILMING. FATHER BERNARDS WORDS SEEMED TO BE WORKING..HER BREATHING WAS BACK TO NORMAL AND THE FOAM HAD STOPPED FROM HER MOUTH. MARTHA CAME IN WITH TOWELS AND WIPED UP THE MESS. 'I WAS A NURSE FOR MANY YEARS 'SHE SAID. 'NOT MUCH CAN TURN MY STOMACH'. I THANKED HER AND ASKED IF SHE COULD BRING A GLASS OF WATER FOR LAMBERTHA. THEN..LORNA SAID.. 'WHEN IS IT OUR TURN..?' 'IN A FEW MINUTES I SAID. WE'LL JUST LET LAMBERTHA CATCH HER BREATH. THEN WE'LL GO FOR IT. I TURN TO THE GIRLS AND SAY.. 'NOW ALL WE NEED FROM YOU IS YOUR STORY OF HOW YOU ENDED UP AT THE NEVILLES. THEN TO THE BEST OF YOUR MEMORIE, WHAT HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE THERE.' DONNA SAID OK. THEN SHE SAID 'SHALL WE SIT CLOSE TOGETHER HOLDING HANDS AND BEING A BIT TEARY..?' YES I SAID..SOUNDS GOOD. OK SAYS DONNA. BOTH LORNA AND DONNA ARE WEARING SCHOOL UNIFORMS. THE REASON FOR THIS WILL BECOME CLEAR DEAR READERS.. DONNA SAYS.'SHAL WE RIP OUR TIGHTS A BIT MORE TOO, SO WERE LOOKING MORE DISTRESSED.' 'I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO OVER ACT THE SITUATION,' I SAID. 'LETS JUST KEEP IS AS REAL AS WE CAN.' THEN I GAVE PASCAL THE NOD TO SET UP OPPOSITE THE GIRLS. JAKE SET READY FOR SOUND.. LAMBERTHA SAID SHE WAS FEELING BETTER. 'GOD THAT WAS AWEFUL' SHE SAID 'I COULD FEEL HIM TRYING TO TAKE ME OVER, AS HE HAS SO MANY TIMES'. 'YOU JUST RELAX A WHILE' I SAID. 'WE'LL CONTINUE WITH YOU AFTER THE GIRLS..OK.?' 'YES SHE SAID' THE GIRLS SAT AS DONNA HAD SAID..HOLDING HANDS AND LOOKING VERY AFRAID AND TEARY.' I ASKED THEM IF THEY WERE READY..I SAID..'NOW SAY TO THE CAMERA WHO YOU ARE AND THEN TELL YOUR STORY'.. THEY SAID YES..SO I SAID TO PASCAL ...AND.....ACTION.!!! PASCAL SAID..THE LIGHTS GOING..ITS LOOKING TOO DARK. WE NEED A LIGHT.' FATHER BERNARD SAID..I'VE GOT ONE..ITS A SINGLE BULB TYPE ONE I USE IN THE GARAGE.' PERFECT I SAY..CAN YOU FETCH IT.. ? HE GOES OUT TO HIS GARAGE AND COMES BACK WITH THE LAMP. 'HERE IT IS SAYS BERNARD, TWENTY QUID..HALFORDS..BARAGIN.' IT'S A 500 WATT HALOGEN..PERFECT.. HE PLUGS IT IN. WOWWW SAYS PASCAL..TOO MUCH..JUST POINT IT AT THE CIELING..' BERNARD DOE'S AND PASCAL SAYS..PERFECT.. OK..READY WHEN YOU ARE MR MCGILL..' I CHUCKLE AT HIS REFERENCE TO A GREAT FILM. 'OK I SAY..QUIET EVERYONE..HERE WE GO..AND...ACTION..!!! I GIVE THE GIRLS THE THUMBS UP. DONNA STARTS FIRST. 'THIS LAD AT COLLEGE. SAID THERE WAS A PARTY.. FANCY DRESS..WOULD WE LIKE TO GO'. LORNA SAYS 'WE LOVE ALL THAT, YOU KNOW, DRESSING UP'. DONNA CONTINUES..'ANYWAY..WE GET THERE AND IT ALL LOOKS FAIRLY NORMAL EXCEPT FOR THE OTHER PEOPLE AT THE PARTY. THIER ALL DRESSED THE SAME.IN THESE LIKE GREEN BOILER SUITS WITH CONE SHAPED HATS ON..LIKE KLU KLUX KLAN ..SLITS IN THE EYES AND THAT.' LORNA SAYS..WE LAUGHED AT FIRST. THEN THE LAD WHO INVITED US GAVE US A DRINK EACH. COURSE WE NECKED IT.. HE SAID IT WAS VODKA.. HE DRANK ONE TOO..YOU KNOW LIKE SHOTS..DOWN THE NECK' AND WHO IS HE I ASKED..? THE ONE WHO TOOK YOU THERE.?' 'YES SAID DONNA..IT WAS A LAD WE KNOW FROM COLLEGE. DALE. WE THOUGHT HE WAS ALRIGHT YOU KNOW..HE'S ON THE SAME MEDIA STUDIES COURSE WITH US, THOUGHT WE COULD TRUST HIM.' LORNA SAYS..ANYWAY.. NEXT THING YOU KNOW..WE WAKE UP..MUST HAVE BEEN AT LEAST THREE OR FOUR IN THE MORNING. WE'RE BOTH TIED UP. IN A CORNER. WE CAN SEE THESE PEOPLE IN THE GREEN SUITS.. ALL CHANTING.. LIKE STRANGE WORDS.. LIKE MONKS..THAT KIND OF THING..HUMMING AND THAT..WAS FUCKING WIERD. ' I ASK THEM.. HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU THINK WERE THERE, CHANTING. ?' DONNA SAYS AT LEAST SIX..MAYBE MORE..' LORNA AND DONNA HUG EACH OTHER. FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT . THIER MEDIA STUDY COURSE IS PAYING OFF. ANYWAY SAYS DONNA..THEN THEY DRAGGED THIS WOMAN TO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. THERE WAS A KIND OF ALTER MADE THERE FROM OLD PALLETS'.. 'WHO WAS THIS WOMAN.? I ASKED. 'WE DON'T KNOW' SHE SAID. SHE WAS HALF AWAKE. I THINK THEY HAD DRUGGED HER TOO.' THEN THEY STRIPPED HER NAKED AND MADE HER PUT ON A VERY THIN WHITE DRESS. LIKE A NIGHTY. THEN THEY TIED HER TO THIS ALTER. SHE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT US. TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING. I THINK SHE WAS TRYING TO WARN US. THEN THEY ALL PRODUCED A KNIFE..AND STARTED CHANTING AGAIN. THEN BANG..LIKE A HUGE BANG. AND HE WAS THERE. 'WHO WAS .?' I ASKED..? 'THIS THING..THIS DEVIL. I SAID TO LORNA, THAT'S NO FANCY DRESS COSTUME..THAT SHIT IS REAL.' SHE CONTINUED.. 'HAVE YOU GOT ANY CRISPS SAID LORNA..? I SAID TO PASCAL.....CUT..!!! IT WAS WELL PAST FIVE OCLOCK..I KNEW EVERYONE HERE WAS ON EDGE AND LIKE MYSELF AND THE BOYS, VERY HUNGRY. BUT I COULDN'T LET ANYONE LEAVE..NOT NOW..NOT SO CLOSE TO A GREAT STORY. IT HAD TO HAVE AN ENDING.. 'OK I SAID..'WHO'S HUNGRY..?' EVERYONES ARM SHOT UP.. EXCEPT MARTHA'S.. SHE GRINNED.. 'I KNEW THIS WAS COMING SHE SAID..' SO I PREPARED..I'VE GOT A BIG PAN OF CHILLI CON CARNI ON THE HOB..A HUGE PAN OF OVEN CHIPS AND..IS ANYONE VAGAN.?' LAMBERTHA PUT HER HANDS UP.. 'WELL OK MARTHA SAYS..YOU CAN HAVE WATER..' SHE LAUGHS.. I LAUGH, JAKE LAUGHS. PASCAL LAUGHS.. FATHER BERNARD LAUGHS BUT LAMBERTHA SAYS..' THATS DISGUSTING..NO VEGAN OPTION..?' MARTHA GOES OVER TO HER AND SAYS IN HER FACE.. 'DO YOU THINK THE DEVIL IS A VEGAN..'? WE ALL LAUGH..A LOT.. RANDOLFO SAYS TO HER.. SEE..YOU'R AN OUTCAST. YOUR A SELF ABSORVED EGOTISTICAL LUNATIC WHO BELIEVES IN EVIL.' SHE SHOUTS AT RANDOLFO..'AND WHAT ABOUT YOU..MR CAN'T KEEP IT UP?. MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT.' 'WE SHOULD HAVE HAD CHILDREN AND MOVED TO DEVON'.. RANDOLFO SHOUTS AT HER..'DON'T MENTION YOUR MOTHER..FUCKING OLD ALCOHOLIC.. DIDN'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT WAS.. BRED TERRAPINS..THOUGHT SHE WAS ON A MONEY SPINNER.. THEN THE SPIDERS..AND YOU GOT ME TO FUND HER..TWELVE GRAND ON SPIDER EGGS FROM IRAQU.. AND ALL FOR WHAT,,?.. ONE SPIDER HATCHED,,YOU CALLED IT JOHNY..SAID IT WAS THE CHILD WE COULD NEVER HAVE..ONLY REASON WE NEVER HAD KIDS WAS YOU COULDN'T LIE STILL LONG ENOUGH..' MARTHA ASKS JAKE FOR SOME HELP WITH A TRESSLE TABLE.. SHE SETS IT UP WITH A WHITE TABLE CLOTH. FATHER BERNARD SAYS,'I HOPE THAT'S NOT ONE OF MY ALTER CLOTHS.?' HEAVEN FORBID AND SAINTS PRESERVE US SAYS MARTHA. 'NO, THIS THE ONE I USE FOR TEA AFTER MASS.' SHE GETS CUTLERY AND A BIG PLATE OF CRUSTY BREAD. THEN SHE BRINGS IN A HUGE PAN OF CHILLI, BOWLS, SPOONS AND WE'RE ALL SET. FARTHER BERNARD SAYS..HANG ON..LET ME SAY GRACE. HE CONTINUES..'FOR WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO RECIEVE MAY THE LORD MAKE US TRULY THANKFUL.. AMEN..' LAMBERTHA SAYS..'IT DOE'S SMELL DELICIOUS. I SUPPOSE I COULD JUST TRY A LITTLE'. RANDOLFO SAYS..'YOU BLOODY HYPOCRIT.' MARTHA SAYS..'MIGHT DO YOU SOME GOOD.PUT SOME COLOUR IN YOUR CHEEKS.I WOULDN'T BE SUPRISED IF YOU'R ANEMIC..YOUR MISSING OUT ON ESSENTIAL FATS AND MINERALS BEING VACANT..I MEAN VAGAN. AND I'LL BET YOU HAVE EXTREMELY SOFT STOOLS.' FATHER BERNARD SAYS.' NOT WHILE WE'RE EATING PLEASE MARTHA.' THE CHILLI IS SUPERB AND EVEN A FRENCH MAN IS ENJOYING IT. I TURN TO ALL SAT AT THE TABLE. AND I SAY.. 'ONLY A FEW MORE HOURS EVERYONE AND WE CAN ALL GO HOME TO OUR BEDS.' LAMBERTHA SAYS..'YOU CAN'T KEEP US HERE AGAINST OUR WILL'. 'THAT'S TRUE I SAY BUT SOON WE WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF ALL THIS'. 'YES, SAID FATHER BARNARD. NEXT EPISODE. .FINALE..THE KILLER REVEALED. FATHER BERNARD GOES TO A SHELF. HE CHOOSES A BOOK. A LARGE RED LEATHER BOUND BOOK. IT'S A BIBLE... HE BRINGS IT TO THE TABLE.. 'BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, CAN I ASK ALL OF US TO SWEAR ON 'THE GOOD BOOK'.