YES.....YOU FOUND US... THE NUMBER ONE NAME IN MODERN INTELEGENT PRODUCTS...

 

Here at Smithsons Intelegent Products we pride ourselves in being a world leader. Not just in design, but in the ethos of the company. Which is... Design ..Build.. Sell ..And Love....

after all.. a worker who loves their work is productive..

We allow all our employees to go to the toilet..not when we say at an alloted time ..but when they wish..

and we dont monitor how long they were there or how many pennies they spent ...

We know only too well how our investors, many from far afield ..like Barnsley...a small fishing village in the UK

worry about their investments in our products..

As CEO of this company i laugh heartedly.. because i assure them that every dime ..every cent..every dollar..will bring a great return.. ......

And here is a just a glimps of the products we cretated last year...

 

1... THE AFRICAN NOSE FLUTE......

The R and D Dept said i was mad and it would never work. Yes, my early sketches of nostrils holding three foot lengths of bamboo did look a little strange. But once i'd worked out how it would clamp on , in 'the normal way' it was a great success.

We asked an African friend to tell us what he thought of it but he said he wasn't African.

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2. THE PORTABLE SOLAR POWERED GANNET.

Yes, a portable life like Gannet powered by the sun. The R and D Dept said it would never take off. But how wrong they were. Yes, it is strange to think that anyone would want to own a personal Gannet, but people have many wierd and wonderful pets. And this Gannet was no exception. Once fully Charged it could fly for nearly half an hour. we recieved many letters of thanks from a satisfied customer on the isle of man.

'Dear Smithsons, i would like to thank you most sincerely for this fantastic Gannet. My wife and i had many other pets, dog, cat, even a goldfish. But once we recieved our Gannet, all that changed. We sold the dog and cat and put the goldfish down the tiolet to be on the safe side. Its saved us a fortune on pet food. We keep it on top of the television and love the way it calls out ...Caw Caw..Caw. Our grandchildren love to take it for walks along the cliff tops and feed it chips. we love to brows through your product catalogue on a cold winters night and now my wife has had laser surgery she can read it too. She would really love to learn to play your African Nose Flute and im sure we will place an order for one in the not too distant future.We were impressed to read it clamps on 'in the normal way' .

Yours Sincerely... Mr and Mrs Abdul Kacklalajar.

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3. Smithsons Intelegent Cramp Cure.

At first they laughed at the idea at head office. then i reminded all the staff that i was paying the wages and i would not tollerate sniggering.... even at the Monkey Joke that was popular at the water fountain. To be honest i didnt think it was a good joke anyway. Ok ..so it starts well, 'Theres an Englishman a scotsman a welshman, a bloke from France, and a monkey having a drink in a bar. The Frenchman says..come on..Lets have shots.!

Almost imediatly the monkey squats down on the floor and has a shit..

See what i mean ..? its not brilliant and theres no punchline..

anyway... back to the cramp cream..

It rubs on 'In the normal way' ...legs..arms ..anywhere you like really where Cramp strikes. Then, after aplication, drink at least a litre of water. then eat at least a chicken dinner with red wine and a cheesecake. But under no circumstances consume goose fat or Johnsons Lady Cake. This can cause sudden spasms, nerve strings, wife hating and devil worship.

This cream has been enjoyed since it was first put on the market in 1981.. in the year of our lord.

It works by infiltating the fibres of the derma layer of the skin. once absorbed it stimulates the nerve endings which Cramp takes advantage of. As it says on the bottle.. Tell Cramp to Eff Off.. !!!

we got this letter from a very satisfied lady ..

Mrs Ethil Smith..not her real name .. she wanted to remain anonimous due to an association she had with Kenny Rodgers.. a country and west end singer from Dorset.. Not the real one. This Kenny was a small time Karoaki singer with gum disease.Her words. '

Dear Friends of Planet Vacant. Where do i begin. And how can i thank you enough. Your Intelegent Cramp Cream has certainly worked for both myself and my late husband Rolf. We both suffered cramp most of our lives, especialy in our hands. We thought it was due to the fact we were poor simple Jute weavers. Yes our fingers were horribly twisted with artheritis and despite the pain of this, what afflicted us more was the terrible cramp.

So we saved our money for over twelve years so we could buy your miraculous cream. Praise the Lord. What a relief. Just as it said on the barrel, the cramp stopped almost imedietly after just nine applications. We didnt mind the fact that the cream smelled of rotten fish. This was a small price to pay for the relief we got. Unfortuatly my husband passed away in a mysterious garden shed fire. he was in there weaving jute when a candle set fire to his trousers. At the time the police tried to blame Kenny Rogers. but he was miles away when it happened at Stockport conservative club. Kenny was popular there and they particlarly liked his version of Coward of the County.

Anyway. once Kenny and i were married we settled down in a small village near Nottingham. Kenny got vocal cramp. it was terrible. sometimes he would start his show no problem then half way through his vocal box would cramp up. it wasnt long till he was booed off stage. so i rubbed his neck nightly for several days. i asked him if he would like me to rub other parts but he refused. It wasnt long untill sadly he died in a mysterious fire in the shed. he was rehursing when a candle set fire to his trousers. its such a shame..i heard him from the kitchen window. he was singing Ring Of Fire. At first the police arrested me and accused me of his murder. They accused me of witchcraft just because we had a black cat and a pet raven called spike. And because i made potions from wild flowers and i had a broom and my nose was a bit pointy with a wart on. Oh, and some of my teeth were black and needed route canal work but ive never trusted dentists or accountants.

Anyway, fortuatly i was cleared of all charges and because Kenny left me a small fortune, i was able to locate to Benidorm and buy an Irish pub called The Irish Pub and Pablo and i have been happy ever since. And all this thanks to Smithsons Intelegent Cramp Cure...

Yours sincerely Mrs Ethil Smith. And Pablo.

Now look at this woman...This poor woman has Cramp. It affects her lower back. in medievel times the only treatment for this poor wretch was bleeding with Leeches. Yes, she has fantastic buttocks but look how she suffers. Is this any way for a poor simple Stained Glass Manufacturer to live..?

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4...SMITHSONS INTELEGENT WINTER UNISEX GONAD WARMER

AND CRAB DETECTOR.

Yes, at last, a snug fitting unisex 'let them breath' micro-fibre winter warmer for the testees with 
built in 'Crab detector'.
 (can also be worn by ladies and trans-siberian railway workers).
Discreet and hardly visable, even in tight underwear, this product is the work of years of research by the 
staff at our sweedish branch.
Proffessor Engle bert Hinkerdank said...

"vi på labbet har alla kalla testiklar och blygdläppar på vintern.
 så detta gav oss idén att skapa den perfekta värmaren för där nere och vi lade till krabbadetektorn."

I'm sure you'll agree with his words..  enthusiastic words for this miraculous product.

But don't take his word for it, read what satisfied customers have said...

Mr Igor Stanislav Boltineschin, a worker from the Trans-Sibererian railway said..

''Ne vse my zdes', na zheleznoy doroge, transgendery,
 no etot produkt sokhranyayet teplo i krasotu nashikh zhivotnykh zimoy..''

Non of us hear speak Russian so we had to translate it ..he said..and i quote..
"My ballbag has never seen so happy. Usually we would have to neck vast amounts of vodka,
but now, thanks the lord and your products..look how toasty our Bollokivas are."
He sent a photo but we're not allowed to show it here. 
Safe to say, its a pic of him and all his mates with their trousers down showing how warm
their tackle is..

Mr Hamish McSalmon Nee Mackeral, said..

''I wear a kilt whatever the weather and i tell you, up here in the highlands,
when jack frost is nipping at your nadgers, this is just what i needed.
My wife will tell you, she's seen my knackers shrink to the size of prunes, blue, shriveled,
and she threatened to go back to Glasgow to her mothers if i didn't get something done.''

''You could say our love life was non existent and it hadn't always been that way. 
I'm not boasting or anything but we used to 'do it' at the drop of a hat which was difficult
if we went hat shopping. I once tried on a lovely tarten cap then accidently dropped it.
She was desperate for it right there in the shop. 
But now..thanks to this amazing product, our marriage is saved and we bang each other
at least every day. In fact, we've now joined a 'Certain Group' on line where we can find
others like us who want to ..you know, share.. And all thanks to your great product.
Also, my wife is now learning to play the African Nose Flute. 
She hasn't found any other players locally yet so for now she's content to play with herself 
and i love to watch her..
She adores how it clamps on 'In the Normal Way'...
Thank you from a very satisfied Scottish couple.'' 


We had a letter from a Dougie Johnson of Litchfield.

He seemed upset. But in the spirit of ballance it's only fair we publish his thoughts as well.
It read thus....

You thieving bastards there. I purchased the African Nose Flute for my wife as a Valentines gift.
Ok, so it arived on time and i couldn't fault the packaging. But..
First off, the metal flange that goes over the nose?'  It just didn't fit. We adjusted the leather straps as 
per the instructions but there's not a chance this would clamp on 'In the normal way'.
Yes, the bamboo tubes we're perfect for her nostrils, and slotted in great without any scabbing or bleeding,
but once she forced air out from her nose..the bamboo tubes just shot out onto the floor.

I've played the African Umbango Drum for years. I've even toured with The famous 
'Slim Johnsons Chicken Jazz and the Fat Belly Moonlighters'..
I was looking forward to some great improvised music with my wife on Valentines night 
before love making ..but no..!!!!
The dissapoinment is heart breaking and when i rang your offices to complain 
whoever it was that answered the phone sounded foreign said it could be thay my wifes nose is too big, hence the 
difficulty with the nostril clamp..!! Too big..? Are you shitting me.?  I've included a pic of my wifes
nose and as can see, its just a perfect average nose. 
Ok, i'll agree that there is a diffence between the size of the left and right nostril but its minimal.
We need an explanation, an appolgy and a full refund..
Intelegent Products..? My arse..!!!
Yours..Disgusted...Dougie Johnson.

Well dear readers..i'm sure you can image how concerned we were with Dougie's plight.
We looked closely at the picture he sent us of his wifes nose. Yes, one nostril had an opening of about 13mm
and the other about 16mm.. And the length of the nose, although longer than normal should have 
in no way impeded a safe and secure 'Natural' fitting...Then..we noticed something..
On the side of her left nostril, a very large 'Jewel Nose Stud'.
Dr Halkidiki, who we call The Good Dr from our research team said..
with a greek accent..

'There's your answer Frank. That nose stud is impeding the clamps
and causing an uneven fixing. I'ts simple physics he said. You can't put a nose clamp on uneven 
surfices.. one side will allways be loose. And whats more, i also think she has been a boxer at some 
point..notice the bulge at the bridge..?  I'd say her nose has been broken several times.
I'm not wishing to cast any nastergeons, but what if this Dougie broke her nose on occasions..?
It could explain a lot Frank..
The Good Dr continued as doctors tend to do..
'Lets just say for arguments sake they don't have a happy marriage. Let's say she's given to sudden
outbursts of emotion, you know, like accusing him of sleeping with her sister.?
Lets just imagine how angry he may be..? ok, so he's had a few drinks, and normally he's a well
ballanced guy mentally, holding down his job at the recycling centre, but every now and then, 
when the pressure builds..he can't take it,
so he head butts her. See what i mean.? 
Science is an unknown quantity Frank as you know.
We know the things we can prove but then we disprove them with new facts and science untill we 
disprove those facts, then we start to look for new facts that proove we were right, untill some
big shot comes along with a string theory about black holes and dark particles..
you could say those particles are nothing more than electrons and prototons spinning in a sort
of Cosmic Juice...

The Good Dr went rambling on like this for a further twenty minutes..all the time he was talking he wrote
equations on the blackboard...
Incomprehensible to the man in the street. Then, it struck me..!!!

The man in the street.. i went over to the window that looked down onto the street below.
And there he was.. again..The man in the street..Who the hell was he..and why was he there again.?

Listen i said to the Good Dr..we need to speak to the man in the street..
'Who's that' asked the Dr.? I pointed down from the window. Him i said..he's there everyday'
I need to know his oppinion. The Dr said..But Frank..what does he know.? He's just the man in the street.?
I know i said, but i want to know his oppinion..and i also want to know why he waits there under
that tree everyday just staring up at the windows..'Who is he..? What does he want.? and whats more..
'What does he think..? 
Ok says the Good Dr, if it means that much to you i'll go and ask him..
No i said, don't ask him, just bring him up here so i can speak to him..

I watched from the window as the Dr crossed the road. I could see him talking to the man.
The man pointed up at the windows of the building then he reached into a bag he was carrying.
He pulled out what looked like tennis racket, then he pulled out what looked like a dead chicken.
Then he threw the chicken into the air then hit it with the tennis racket. Feathers everywhere.
You can imagine.. 

Then theres a knock at my door. Come in i say.
In comes the Dr with the man. The Dr is stood behind the man making a sort of circular motion with his finger
 sugesting this guy is a bit loopy....
Hello there, i say to the man, I'm the head of this company. Please, have a seat...
He doesn't sit.

Now dear reader, allow me to describe 'the man from the street..
 When we look at people we don't know, we usualy go from top to bottom.
But i prefer to go from feet up..
My dad always said, judge a man by his shoes. i had to pollish mine daily.
 
First, odd shoes, tariners actualy, one red, one blue. Trousers too short reveal odd socks.
One black, one pink. The trousers, very well worn corduroy, brown. around his waist, a band of blue 
cloth for a belt tied at the middle with a big knot. Under his jacket a tea shirt with a logo of some kind.
His jacket, well worn, but tweed, had been a good item at some time. 
His hair is long and white. i would say he's about sixty or so. 
His face is weather beaten but he smiles..He has few remaining teeth. 

Please, i say to him, please sit down. 
He just smiles at me. 'I prefer to stand he says, i can see more. '
Fine i say... now do you have any idea why i asked you up here.?
'Oh yes he says, i know the answer to that one.. '
The good Dr sits down.. 

I said to him as i held out my hand..I'm Frank..what's your name.?'
I wont' shake your hand he said, in case i catch something..he laughs..
I laugh too.. Ok i said.. Will you have a drink of something i ask.. ?
I doubt it he says.. i dont drink alcohol or even tap water. 
I ask him again,  please will you sit down..?
'I dont need to sit down he says. I'm fine. People who sit down get fat.
And this world is owned by people who sit down.
 Just tell me what you want and i'll get back to the street.'

Ok i said..stand if your happy.. but.... i go over to the window,, 'now look down there i say..thats where
you stand everyday. Looking up at these windows.  i look at him ..then i ask... why..?
 He wipes his mouth, and says ..
Let me show you something..he reaches into his bag...

He takes out the tennis racket, then what looks like a bicycle pump, then a picture of 
the late queen, then a signed copy of a cd by Elvis, then a small wooden ball...
'it's in here somewhere' he says..
Then he pulls out a small statue of Bhuda, 'ahhhhaaa' he says..'here it is'..
To the naked eye it looks like an ordinary table spoon.
'Looks just like an ordinary 'run of the mill' table spoon' he says.
'Yes i agree'..
but 'wait he says.. watch this'...he places the spoon on the table.
'Now he says, i want you to imagine in that spoon a substance or thing.'
'like what i ask'?   'Like anything he says' say..like salt..
ok i say. Now he says, close your eyes and count to ten. I do as he says.
Now open your eyes. I open my eyes and to my astonishment the spoon is full of salt.
'Good grief i exclaim..how on earth..? 
Dr Halkidiki comes to the table...in a greek accent he says..
'That some bloody good party trick'..
'Oh no trick, says the man..its magic..its a magic spoon.'
'Let me try says the Dr.'
'Ok says the man..go ahead..think of something then close your eyes, count to ten then lets see.'
The Dr does as instructed. And before my very eyes, the salt dissapears and in its place there is an egg.
This is incredible says the Dr.... 'And i can hardly believe what i just witnessed.'
'You like it ?' asks the man..
'Now watch this. ' he picks up the egg and cracks it on the desk. The contents spill out.
'You see he says..Its a real egg. '
I sit down, the Dr sits down, the man doesn't. We just sit in silence, staring at this spoon.
Wondering what to make of this spectacle.
Then, the man starts to put all his things back into his bag. Everything that is except the spoon.
So i ask him..'Silly question i say but..do you actually know how this works..?. i mean,
is it a trick of somekind.?'
'How can it be a trick he says, you both tried it and both saw the result. '
'Well tell us, where did you get this spoon and how did you know it had these magic 
properties..?'
'To be honest he says, i find it hard to believe myself. And it's a bit of a tail. But if you've got the time.?'
'Oh no problem i said , we've got all the time in the world. please, tell us the story..?'
At last he sits down. ' I'll rest the legs now he says, this could take a while.'

He began his incredible story................

More than twenty years ago i was a chef on a merchant ship bound for Indonesia...
It was good pay and i was saving up to get married. I'd been in the merchant navy for five years and seen
much of the world. Different people, cultures, religions.  A wealth of experience. Some of the best
days of my life. 
We were appraoching an island..i had just served the men dinner. The sea was like a pond.
Then i overheard one of the crew say that the island we approached wasn't on the map.
Unknown, uncharted. Some of the crew seemed concerned..they were mostly made up of Malay people..
a few europeans, a frenchman, a few germans, dutch, and me and the kid...English.
'The kid, i asked..? '  Yes he said. a fourteen year old boy, a stowaway..he was starving poor bugger.
I found him hiding at the rear of the ship under a boat cover...
i took him food and told him to stay hidden till we got to shore..
Then, that morning, the captain called us all the canteen area.. 
He had to make an anouncement....

'Crew, fellow sailors, we are approaching an island. And i have to tell you, for your own safety,
i want you to be on your guard.. i will be distributing fire arms to you all. Its just a precortionary measure.
Nobody is to fire a single shot unless i give the order.. Is that understood..?'
We all respond..'Yes Captain.'

Slowly..the ship neared the island.. i went to the boy hiding..i told him to stay put till i came for him..
left him some food and a bottle of water..
Suddenly the ship stopped.. then over the tanoy the captain calls us all to the canteen..

I need volunteers he said, these are dangerous waters.. we dare not  steer any nearer to this island..
Unknown waters and there could be reefs or other barriers..so..we'll anchor here in safe waters. 
But i need a few volunteers..to go ashore and give me an idea of this place.. 
We can launch an inflatable with supplies, all requirments and weapons. I'll be quite honest,
this is no ordernary journey you will embark on ..
This Island is not on this map..
He takes out a large map of the area.. we all gather around..he points at a place..
'We are about here' he says, according to sat nav and our coms officer...
But.I'll be honest gentlemen, our ships compass no loger works.
and we have no real proof of where we are where ..But,
don't be alarmed.. as captain of this ship i can tell you..i've been in this situation before and there's 
always an explanation.  So..please go about your duties and report to me anything you may find unusual.
Now..My volunteers, who will go,,?'

I put my hand up imediatly, this was my kind of adventure.  Then Kurt the german, then a Malay fellow
called Babbi..Then Rudi the Dutchman..Then ..the captain said..
'Good men, prepare the boat..prepare the supplies..and at first light, let's find out what this island is about.'
Then he picks up a video camera..and asks..'who knows how to use one of these..?'
Rudi puts his hand up and says 'Me captain'..
He passes Rudi the camera and its kit. He opens the case and imediatly puts batteries on charge.
The captain says to us all..keep watch tonight ...report to me anything you see strange. 

Out on deck that night, it was strange.. we were moored only yards from the beach.
I could hear noises from the forest at the edge of the island. Birds, beasts, humans..?
Strange screams....
Non of us knew.. But next morning.. the adventure bagan...

I said to the man..'You still havn't told us your name..?'
'Your story is amazing and please ..don't get me wrong, but ...?'

Let me continue he says..'All will be revealed.'

I went down to the engine room and stole a pair of dirty overalls.
i took them to the boy and told him to put them on. And be ready. When i whistle, thats the signal 
for you to come out and join us in the boat. 
'Ok' he said. We shook hands. 
Then i went to the rest of the volunteers to help load the supplies.
The mood among the others was subdued, not much was said between us.

Kurt started up the outboard engine on the dingy. I wistled. The boy appeared and lept aboard.
'Hang on said Rudi, who's this.?'
'Don't worry i said..i'll explain on the way..'
Kurt twisted the throttle and we were off. It wasn't long till we landed on the beach.
We dragged the dingy onto higher ground and under some palm trees. 
It seemed a good sheltered spot. Then Babbi took out his machete and began cutting palm leaves.
'I make house' he said..'
I turned to the men and said..'ok fellas, this is Carl. He's a stowaway. i found him when we were 
underway from Southampton..So i looked after him and thought he can earn his way by helping us.'
'But he's just a kid, said Kurt..how can he help.?'
'I was in the scouts said Carl..' They snigger.
'ok says Karl, go get some wood and build a fire just there. A good spot not too near the trees.'
Carl does as he's asked. Rudi is already filming. A few shots of our camp progress.
I'ts not long untill Babbi has errected a canopy cover. And it won't be long untill we find out if it works.
I tell Carl to forget making a fire yet. 
On the horizon, massive angry looking grey clouds. No doubt about it. There's a storm coming.
The dingy has a cover that can be tied down so we put in there everything we dont want to get wet.
Then its tied down and roped to a nearby tree. We all wear our waterproofs and wait. As the storm
approaches, great bolts of electric fork lightning flash through the sky's. The sea gets rougher.
In the distance we can see our ship is already swaying as the sea swells and drops. 
Huge waves are battering the sides. This is going to be one hell of a storm.
The thunder is deafening as great cracks of lightning light the sky overhead. 
'Hang on lads' i say..'Here it comes'.
A great wall of torrential rain sweeps in across the beach and we're being battered.
Huge hail stones carpet everywhere . The wind is ferocious and we strugle to stand.
But the storm lasts only about ten minutes. And then..as quick as that..its gone. 
The sun is shining and the sea has lost its temper, its as flat as a pond.
I look out across the water and then i see it..or to be more acurate, i don''t see it.
Our ship has completly vanished. 
We all stand on the beach stunned. 'What the hell.? 'says Kurt.
'Where is it.?' asks Carl..
We must go and look i say. Quick lads. Untie the dingy..Lets get her in the water. We remove the cover.
I ask Carl to fold it up and tie it safe. Then i say, 'Kurt, Rudi, Babbi, you wait here, I'll go with Carl and see if 
we can see any sign.' 
We drag the dingy into the water, push away then i start the engine. We're soon at roughly the spot where we
think the ship was moored.. on the surface of the sea, debri, oil patches..and items of clothing.
The ship has gone down in the storm and there are no signs of survivers.
The enormity of the situation hits me. 'Jesus , says Carl.. how could this happen.?'
'I don't know Carl, its very very strange. I mean a ship of that size. Sinking. Just makes no sense.'
We did a few circles of the floating debri then finding nothing, set off back to the shore.

And then came the next incredible supprise. We pulled the dingy out of the water and up the beach.
There was no sign of the others. I called out their names..one at a time, again and again.
Carl did the same..'Where the hell are they?' he said. 'I don't know Carl , but soemthing here isnt right.
Look, the've left all thier stuff. There's nothing missing from our gear. The only thing missing is them.
'Maybe they went on a look into the jungle.?' says Carl. 'well wherever they went, they havn't been gone long.
The fires still lit and the coffee pot still warm. They can't have gone far. 
'What do we do.?' asks Carl. 'We stay here mate, we stay here and we wait.'
'At the moment, that dingy is our only chance of escape from this island. We cant leave it. If we went 
into the jungle and something happened, i don't know what exactly, but one things for sure. Now 
that we have no ship to go back to, all we have to survive are that dingy and the few things we brought here.
This is a seriously sick situation. And you see that..?'
'See what.?' asks Carl. 'The sun, it hasn't moved. It hasn't moved an inch. It's in the same spot as when
we set off.'  
Carl takes off his boot. He twists the rubber heel. It swivels open to reveal a compass.
he looks at me..'I told you i was in the scouts.' he smiles.
he takes the compass and lays it on his hand. Look at that he says, nothing, no movement at all..thats just 
not possible...'  
I go to the dingy and look in the weapons bag.. Pistols, knives, four automatic rifles and six grenades.
'Its just too wierd ' i said..why would you go out into the jungle without this lot..? '
And look here says Carl..he passes me Babbi's machette..Then.. the next suprise...
as quick as you can say lights out...it goes dark..and not slowly like normal, with twilight.
Just imedietly from brilliant sunlight to black. And above us, the stars. shining bright. and a moon, closer and
brighter than iv'e ever seen.
'Did you ever in your life see anything like that' ?
 
Carl looks at me.. his exprssion says what i'm thinking. That's just not possible. 
I ask Carl.. do we have enough fire wood.. ? Yes he says...ok, then build it bigger.. we need a big fire..
ok he says.  I go to the arms bag and pull out two of the automatic rifles...i give one to Carl..
'Think you can use this.? i ask him.. 'Carl says.. I got one of the best ever scores on 'Fight Of Evil'..
Its a game.  'The only difference is i say.. this is real..its no game.'  He straps the gun over his shoulder.
He loads more wood on the fire and the spits and crackles echo through the jungle..

'the crazy thing is i say, we don't even know what time it is. Look at this, i pull out my phone,
and i get Kurts phone. The others had left their phones in a rucksack.
'Look i say..the time on each phone is different.. Look at that..the compass on each phone is different..
Carl says..'It's all to do with magnetism.' Look at this he says.. He shows me his swiss army knife. 
He places it on the palm of his hand.. it starts to spin..slowly...then faster and faster..untill its turning 
so fast, it starts to burn his skin..he drops it, lets it fall to the sand of the beach. It slowly stops
turning. 
Then behind us we hear a strange sound from the jungle..like a scream from a fox..
'What the fuck was that ..?'
Carl says..with a wisper..Its a Begii.....
'what the fuck is a Begii..? i ask him. ? 
Carl says.. its a half human half alien thing..i've heard that sound before.. It's from a game..
'From a game..? i shout.. Listen Carl..i told you ..this is no game..we are real, we are alive..we are here
on this damned island..it's no game..this is real..'
'ok says Carl,, but i know this shit..and i know the sounds, i'm just saying..to me it sounds like a Begii..'
'And if that thing appears .. what do we do..?..'
Carl says calmly...aim for the head,, its the only way to kill them. A hit on the body doesnt count.
Thier flesh recovers instantly.. but the only way to kill a Begii is to hit the head, destroy the brain. '

On the one hand i'm going along with this but on the other, i'm finding it hard to believe. But then
so much has been unbelievable in the last day.. The ship sinking, the rest of our gang dissapearing,
the strange magnetic stuff..and now Carl..telling me about sounds and charachters from games....?

Again..the strange scream ...the fox i want to believe..but Carl has different ideas...
It's there again..he says .. its coming..'   
'It..?' i ask..   Yes says Carl ..there will be only one at first. It's a scout..hehe ..like me..but the difference is
i do it for fun..this thing does it for blood..'
The scout he tells me ...is on a mission to find new blood... If we kill the scout.. he can't get back to his 
tribe, if we don't kill him, were dead,, simple as that..'

So do you think this thing has killed Kurt, Rudi and Babbi ..?
It's possible said Carl, but it is strange that there's no sign of a struggle. No blood. '
Carl, i understand your idea about this game stuff but you can also understand
how i find it hard to believe. I mean we didn't leave on that ship in a game.? That was all real.
It was real when the captain asked us to volunteer to come here. It was real when we arrived. 
And as far as i can make out, it's real now. You can't expect me to believe this game stuff.
It's also real that the other guys have just dissapeared into god knows where.?
 
'I don't expect you to believe it., said Carl. I only said that scream we heard sounded to me like a Begii 
from a game i used to play called Fight Of Evil.

Then suddenly behind us...a rustling in the bushes. A slow deliberate sound, like something is 
creeping nearer. Then i hear the words Help, Help us please...
I run to place the sound is coming from. I part the leaves and there is Kurt and Babbi..
Thier covered in blood and cuts..they can barely stand. We help them to thier feet and over to the fire.
They can barely speak. 'What happened i asked..? Where's Rudi..?'
Carl gets a bottle of water and starts to clean thier wounds. Babbi is bleeding badly from the leg.
Carl cuts a length of rope and makes a tornequay..Kurt's wounds to the face and neck don't seem as bad.
The both take a drink of water. Kurt says, 'It all happened so quick. We didnt have time to get the guns.'
We ran one way, Rudi ran the other way..he didn't stand a chance. This..this thing..It ripped him to pieces.'

'What was it i asked..an animal of some kind..?'
'We managed to crawl into a crevice in the rocks. It coundn't get in to us, it was too big. But it could just
get one of its claws in.. we were lucky..after a few minutes of it probing it let out a huge scream then 
left.'
'What did it look like asked Carl..?'
'Hideous he says, its like no animal. It looked almost human except for its skin. It was like metal and these hands,
well claws, and its head. It was ...christ...hideous, frightning.' 
'Was its head covered in metal scales..like a reptile..?'
'Yes he said, and in its mouth, several rows of razor sharp teeth'.
'I knew it said Carl...Begii.'..
Kurt said 'What the fucks Begeye..?'
Its a monster from a game i said, Carl reckons, its from a game called Fight Of Evil..
Carl recognised the sound of it's scream. I turn to Carl, sorry mate i say, looks like you are right.'
'A computor game asks Kurt..Surely ...thats not possible.?'
'I know, i know it sounds mad, crazy, impossible, but so far Carl is right and at the moment we have 
no other explanation.'

We need to eat i said..then make a plan. Carl goes to the dingy and returns with Tinned stew.
And he says..look at this ..'.
He holds a pan and lots of cutlery. All stuck together as if magnetised. 'What you make of this.? he says.
'And all the tinned stuff is stuck together too.'

Carl cooks the stew and serves us all a bowl. There's no bread, but there's crackers and biscuits.
He has to litterally force the spoons apart. And the strangest of things..we can all feel the magnetic pull.
Whatever we're holding, a spoon, a fork..a knife..it all has a pull. 
It's as if everything is magnetised. Now i suddenly worry..The weapons..are they also stuck together.?
I go to the dingy..open the bag..and sure enough. All stuck together. But i'm able to pull them apart.
i take out two more automatic rifles. I prop them up against different trees nearby 
Both within reach of Kurt and Babbi..We check his leg..the bleeding has stopped.
 Despite thier ordeal, they are both looking better.
The food is good and hot. From the jungle there is no sound. Nothing.

We're all sat around the fire. Carl pokes at it with a stick. The night is so quiet and still.
No breeze, no sound from the see, and above us, the stars shine like diamonds against the darkness of space.
But most facinating of all is the moon. It's huge and glows a strange orange red...
'Look at that moon i say to the boys..Did you ever see a moon like that..?'
Carl says..'In the game..that moon fortells danger and death. '
We are all very tired, in fact exhausted.. 'I think, if we can, we should get some sleep. But we need
at least one of us to stay guard'. Carl says..'i'll do it boss. and he grins.
'Boss i ask?'  'Well i don't know your name, you never told me or any of us. And since you seem to be
in charge, you're the boss.'
'Are you sure Carl, i ask, can you stay awake..?'
He takes his gun. 'I'll be fine' he says, i know these bastards.'

I think we may have been asleep for a few hours..then we are woken, by that awefull scream.
Its not near but it wakes us..in the distance on the horizon i can see the light changing. 
Morning is approaching. Carl says..'We're safe now..They hate the light. They won't come now.'
'Get some more sleep he says..we're safe now.' 
But i can't sleep. My mind is working overtime. I need to know more about these creatures. I need to 
know about this game. I put the coffee pot on the fire. 
'If were safe for now i say to Carl, you get some sleep. 
I'm ok he says. We need to get past this level.
'Get past this level..?' i ask..Yes he says. You see, in the game, it has three levels. In order to win, 
you have to complete each level. '
'Oh thats great i say, sarcasticaly, only three levels. Jesus and how the hell do we do that.?'
'Ok he says, were on level one. We need to kill at least ten of them. And now its light, we can do that.
All we have to do is find thier camp and kill them. There will be ten in each camp. Thats 30 of them in total.'
'Once we kill ten of them we will be rewarded. '
'With what i ask.?'  'Well he says, it could be a power of some kind, or a weapon, or an object..like food.
We get a choice. But, we have to be carefull what we choose. Choose the wrong one, we won't get to 
the next level.'
'Well let me just say Carl, you no longer need to think of me as the boss. Its clear to me now 
that your the boss. You know the game, you're in charge. I have full trust in you. '
Ok he says, soon as we had the coffee, we'll go hunting.  he gives me a huge smile.'

By now the sun is well up and Kurt and Babbi are awake. I explain the plan to them. Babbi says, 'i go fishing'.?
Ok, i say but watch each other. Carl says, 'don't worry erm ..they will be ok.'

Carl goes to the bag of weapons. He passes me a pistol and a large knife and a grenade.
'Now , he says, don't forget, if by any chance we get into a fight with them, it's always aim at the head.
If you must stab it in the eye. Don't waste a single shot to thier body..only the head.. remember,
we need to kill the brain. now, as we go to find them thier will be other problems. '
'Like what..? i ask...
'Jungle stuff, he says, spiders, snakes, but don't worry too much. I know these shits, i'll go first. '

We set off into the jungle. Carl goes first..With the machette he cuts a path before us.
 Its a slow, sweaty task. And the flies and mosquitos, it's like a sauna.
Although its daylight, under the canopy of the jungle there's not much light. 
Carl moves slowly, takes his time, listens, watches, now and then, stops. He raises his hand to signal.
We stop.. we wait...then right in front of Carl...It drops from a tree....A spider..but my god..
Its bigger than him...it stares him in the eye, imagine a spider as big as a large bird..
it was terrifying.. Carl.. waited.. he looked into the eyes of the spider,
 then with one move, sliced its head off. Its body quivered and tremored.. it's head slowly stopped breathing.
He gave the thumbs up and we moved forward into the heat of the undergrowth..

We came to a clearing, an area that been obviously man made..or made by whatever..
Carl poked around with the machette ...into the remains of a fire...
'Look at this ' he said...these are ashes of bone..the're near..'
In front of us..a huge mound of earth.
 Carl crawls up to it...he puts his fingers up to his lips and signals me to stay where i am. 
he crawls slowly up the mound of earth..i watch in dread as he slowly raises his head above the mound.
He quickly pulls his head down and signals to me with both hands. Ten. He becons me up the mound.
He wispers to me..'There's ten sat together. It's grenade time. On the count of three.
We both remove the pins. On three we lob the grenades over the top.
We cover our ears. There's a huge blast. Bits of these creaturs, like shards of metal fly through 
the air. We peek over the top. There's a huge crater and only parts of bodies.
'Bingo, says Carl. We got the lot..Now watch this..
Suddenly we are showered in what looks like gold paper. 
Thats our first level complete he says. Then, a hologram appears before us.
There is a large hamper of food, a ray gun of some kind, and a key..
Carl says, 'We have to choose one.' 'You know the game, i say. I'll let you choose'.
Carls says, 'Fortunatly i've been on this level before and i happen to know it's the key.'
Carl stretches his hand to the hologram and taps the key..it falls to the ground.
I'ts a lot bigger than i thought i say. its about a foot long. Carl says..Don't loose it. 
Now lets get back to the camp. 'That hamper did look tasty though' i say.
Carl laughs, 'We would have been well fed but not alive long enough to eat it all'.

Back at the camp, Kurt is loading fish onto a length of bamboo ready to grill over the fire.
He says, 'Our babbi is a great fisherman' . we won't starve just yet. 
'How did you get on?.' 
Carl says, we killed ten of them. We are about to enter the next level. 

Back in my office i say to the man..
'This is certainly turning out to be an epic tale'. 

The man says, 'Oh it gets a lot better'.
He continues his story.

I turned to Carl and asked..'Whats this next level about.?'
'Well said Carl, it's all about the world of the dead.' 
Once it goes dark tonight it will begin. The spirit people will come. '
'Jesus, i say, how the hell do we kill them.?'
'We don't need to he says, they will come to scare us but because they are just spirits they cant harm us 
phisicaly. But, they will want us to follow them into the jungle and then on to the temple of bones.
It's there that we will need the key. '
Kurt says , 'bloody good job you were a stowaway or we'de be fucked'.
Carl says.. 'Tonights mission will require all of us.' 'But what about Babbi, he can only just walk,?'
Babbi says..'You no worry bout me boss. I tough cookie. I can do ok'. Carl continues.. 
 'Once inside the temple we can kill the creatures, but 
we can't use grenades in there. A large explosion could bring the roof down onto us so we're forced to use 
riffles and pistols and knives. After we've eaten the fish i'll explain what will happen.'

We sit around the fire and enjoy the fish. Then Carl says..'Ok , what to expect later.
As i said earlier, we will get a visit from the spirit people. They are like ghosts if you like. They are not
solid like the other creatures. And they can not cause any harm other than to scare you and believe me, 
they can certainly do that. They can come right up into your face screaming. But regardless just try to stay calm
and focused. Once they have performed this scaring business, they will set off into the jungle. And that's
when we follow them. They will lead us to the temple. When we arrive there, they will simply dissapear.
But this is when the trouble starts. Because inside the temple there will ten of the creatures. They won't
know we are there untill we enter the temple itself. And once they know we are there they will attack.
Fortunatly not all at once. They will come at us in pairs..screaming. Now there are four of us. 
As i've already said, the only way to kill them is to hit them in the head, litteraly blow thier brains out.
But, when they come running towards us, there will be one on the left and one on the right.
We need to decide who fires left and who fires right. This way and only in this way will we succeed.
So, i suggest myself and kurt, do the left and you and Babbi do the right. ok..?'
'Now, the entrance to the temple offers no cover at all. Once we cross the threshold thats it. They will know 
we are there and soon they will attack. Not imediatly, they may even wait minutes. But rest assured
they will come..'
He turns and looks at us all.. 'any questions.?' he asks. 
No one answers. 'Then thats ok then' says Carl,  ' prep your weapons and make sure you have enough
amunition. Now we wait for it to go dark. '
I say to Carl, 'Your turning into quite a leader'. He smiles and says, 'Not really, i'm just sharing my experince
and knowledge of the game.'

We wait for the twilight. Kurt is pacing up and down. Babbi is sharpening his machette. I hold my rifle and Carl
is handing out the amunition. Carl looks out across the sea. He's lost in thought. I go to his side and say,
'Penny for them.?'   'Its just the strangest thing.'  'What is.?' I ask.
Carl continues, 'Well just now, i was sure i saw our ship, right there where it was. It was clearly there then 
gone. '    'The tricks of the twilight i say, but , here, in this strange place. It wouldn't suprise me.'
We stand staring out across the sea, and i say to Carl, 'I want to thank you Carl. I know we have a 
long way to go yet, but, your a special young man. You've given us all a chance to survive. We owe you
our lives, all of us. I wanted to thank you.' 
Carl is still staring out across the water...sudenly he says...'There, look, there it is..'
And i see it. The ship is there.. 'You see asks Carl.?'
'Yes..yes i say..i see it..Its the ship...my god..'
Then just as quick, it's gone. 'What do make of this Carl.?'
'I don't know he says, but it's a good thing. It's not part of the game though. Except, i think its a gateway.'
I ask Carl what he means..  'Were in the game here on the island, but somehow, out there, where
we saw the ship. Thats reality. Somehow there's a connection.. But for now, we have to deal with the game.'
It will be dark soon..we need to be ready.'

Back at the fire, the mood is solumn. Everyone is worried, i can sense that. It's the fear of the unknown.
Carl says.. 'You know what we have to do, are we all ready.?'
Kurt says, 'i won't lie, i'm scared.'
Carl says, 'In this game, they, the creatures, they feed on fear. The same way a lion can smell it.
I know its easy for me to say but believe me, i've played this game many times. Now , get ready, and 
don't forget the key..'
I put the key safe inside my pocket. Then strange sounds come from the jungle. Not the screams, more a sort
of garbled chatter.. almost like chanting..
Carl says..'Their coming..Get ready and don't forget, however scary they are they can't harm you.'

The strange chanting sound from the jungle gets slowly nearer. It has a tempo thats reminds me of African
or Indian music. Deep, and threatening.. 
We wait, armed and ready. Then the first one appears before us..It looks the same as the creatures. But 
its a ghost image.. It snarls and shouts in our faces, its hideous. We remain stood in our places. As Carl 
told us. Then theres another, and another, untill we are surounded by them. These wierd ghosts. 
They chant and shout and call then they start to head off into the jungle. 
Carl says,' ok..here we go. Stay close.' 
Carl goes first and we follow him through the undergrowth. The pace is fast and i help Babbi to keep up.
We follow Carl through the jungle as it winds and twists. Then..we arive at a clearing. And there before us
is the temple. Carl shines the torch over the entrance. 
'There it is he says, Once were in thats it. We kill them. Everyone ready..?'
We all nod. Carl goes slowly to the gateway of the temple. 
He looks back to us and says..'This is it, lets kill these bastards'..

We advance, in a line, slowly into the temple. Suddenly two of the creatures appear. For a moment they 
stand still looking at us. Then they rush forward. As per the plan we open fire. Thier heads shatter into 
a thousand pieces. The shards of metal whizzing past us. We stand and wait. And we wait. Nothing happens. 
Don't panick says Carl, its a trick. They want to draw us furthur into the temple. 
Then, theres a strange flash of light and the next two are there. Again we open fire. And again thousands 
of pieces fly at us. Lucky so far. no-one has been hit. Then almost imediatly the next two appear. 
We shoot again but Kurts rifle has jammed. Carl has noticed and takes out both of the creatures. 
Six down, four to go. Carl quickly takes Kurts rifle and fixes the jam. He fires a shot to be sure.
Now we're ready for the next two. Again we wait. Babbi says he needs to sit. His leg has started 
bleeding again. Then thr creatures are out and running faster. And this time it's all four of them.
We spray them all and just as Carl had planned and predicted they were all dead. 
Carl said, 'ok, follow me and get that key out. We go further and further into the temple. 
In holes in the walls left and right, hundreds of skulls and bones. It's a very scary and strange place.
And the thing is, these are all human bones. So who were they, and how did they get in here and why.?
We are faced by a large stone door. This is it says Carl. The Key please. ? I pass Carl the Key.
He puts it in and turns the key. Three times forward, then three times back. 
Carl pushes against the door. It doesn't move. 

Carl says, now listen. When i do get this door open what you will see inside is incredible. 
And i will warn you. It stinks. You see behind this door are cats. Thousands of them. 
The ancient people here deemed them protectors of the jewel. '
'There will be a stone column at the end of the hall. On the top of this column is what looks 
like a very large diamond. We have to get this jewel and take it back with us. 
At first the cats will just sniff around us, almost friendly like. But once we get near that 
jewel they some of them will attack. So we will walk in a formation. Me in the center and you guys facing away from 
me. Then, once they begin to attack you shoot and you dont stop till they back off. Which they will. 
Then once i have the jewel safe we back out. They will snarl and make a lot of noise. But that
will be it. We will lock the door and go back to camp. '

Carl turns the key again. There's a loud thump. Thats it he says. We're going in. Carl says take a deep breath.
He pushes the door open and the stench is unbelievable. Its amonia from the cat piss. There are hundreds 
of them. All black and all just milling about. There are also bones and dead ones. Its disgusting.
We do as Carl asks. We suround him and he slowly walks toward the column. There seems
to be a ray of light coming in from the roof and it shines directly onto the jewel making 
it cascade beams of lights all around us. As we get nearer to the jewel the cats get more agitated and angry
looking, hissing and spitting. Creeping nearer to us. Then one of them leaps toward Babbi. He shoots it. 
Carl shouts now. He goes to grab the jewel. Cats attack us from all directions and we shoot..They 
continue to attack and we shoot more. Carl grabs the Jewel and shouts..keep shooting and slowly 
back to the doorway. The back off now. Walk out through the doorway. We have a few 
scratches but we're safe. Carl slams the door shut and locks it. 
We sit down, covered in sweat. Kurt vomits..'Jesus he says, that smell' .
Babbi holds his leg. Its still bleeding. 
Carl says 'come on, we can rest when we get back.'
Outside the temple there is a huge clap of thunder then, the heavens open. Not with rain but with those 
gold bits of paper. Its like someone has set off a confetti cannon. 
Carl says..'Thats it.. We've completed the level. And we have the jewel. '

Then, before us, the hologram appears. In front of our eyes are three images.
Once again we must choose. Kurt can't believe his eyes..
There is a food hamper, a laser gun, and a very nasty looking wolf '.
'We have to choose Kurt i say..one of these. Choose the wrong one and we loose the next level.'
I say to Carl, 'You know best mate.'
He asks Kurt, what would you choose...?
'I'm not sure he says, but i think its a toss up between the laser and that wolf .'
'Your right says Carl. Food is no good if were dead. He turns to me and says , and what about you.?'
'The laser i say..must be a good weapon. '
Carl leans forward and taps his hand on the dog. And bang.!!!
It's there, stood beside us. panting and wagging its tail.
'Christ says Kurt, and i step back...Carl goes to the dog and fusses it. 'Good boy he says'.
The dog is clearly well behaved. 'Thats amazing says Kurt, how does it know like, you know,
not to attack us.' 
Carl turns to me and says, 'the laser gun would have been a good choice but we have enough weapons.
and as i said, the insects and animals in that jungle are terrifying. But our canine friend here will do his best 
to keep us from harm. What he does't kill he'll chase away or eat. '
The wolf sits still, panting.  
Ok says Carl , lets get back to camp and get this fella fed.

We wind our way through the jungle, the wolf leading the way,
 till we're back at the beach. The fire has gone out. 
Carl goes to fetch more wood and i attend to Babbi's leg. I clean the wound and put fresh bandages 
on him. Soon the fire is roaring and Carl goes to the dingi and comes back with soup.
It's not long till we're all enjoying it..with biscuits.
The wolf waits patiently till he gets a bowl too.

I ask Carl...'Whats the Jewel all about.?'
He takes it from his pocket and holds it up. The light from the fire reflects from it casting beams across the 
beach ..We're about to start the third and final level. Then you'll see why we need this jewel. 
It we complete this last level, that jewel will be our escape off this island. '
I ask Carl, what is this next level and when will it start. '?
He says..'It won't start till the morning. Remember what i said about them not coming out during
daylight. Well they won't attack tonight. We've killed the nearest two groups and the last group will be much 
further inland. They will be sleeping at thier spaceship. '
'Christ i say..'Spaceship..?' 
'I know says Carl'  Kurt says..'Dis you say spaceship..?'
'Yep, thats how they got here. They have a spaceship and you won't believe the size of it. '
Kurt says, 'well i know were having a tough time here and all that but like wow..
the idea that there is a spaceship..and these creatures are from another planet..man..
it's mind blowing. I'm excited .'
'Well, tomorow you'll get to see it. '  He holds up the jewel..'And without this, thier going nowhere.'
'Oh my god, i say, so that jewel powers the space craft..'?
'Presicely says Carl. '
'By now they will know its gone from the temple. But they won't come looking. They know that they
must stay at the spaceship. And in the morning, we'll set off to find them.'
I say to Carl..'But this island could be huge..how do we stand a chance of finding them.?'
Carl says, 'You remember how the pans and cutlery and anything metal sticks. Magnetism.? 
You all felt the pull. Well that spaceship of thiers is what's causing that magnetism.
 It's like a huge magnet. We simply follow the metal..'
'Genius, says Kurt. ' 
'There is a lot of danger believe me. And most of it will be just our trip through the jungle. 
There's are all kinds of stuff. I don't want to scare you guys but imagine a wood lice as big as a dog,
the insects and wildlife, just massive. They will try and kill us..and thats before we get to kill the 
creatures. '
I ask Carl..'Talking of which, how will we do that. ?'
'Ok says Carl, till now it's been let them run at us then shoot. This time it will be very different.
They will stay as close as they can to the spaceship. They will find possitions near thier craft.'

'They will try to pick us off one at a time. It will be a slow steady job. Lots of waiting. They won't want to 
give thier possitions up. But i have a plan..'

We settle down for the night and the wolf lies down by the fire. 
The pressence of the wolf gives us all a feeling of security and we soon get to sleep.

We are all woken next morning at first light by the wolf. It satnds looking out to sea. Growling.
I look out across the still waters and my god..I'ts there again. Kurt screams..'Yes, Its there,
we're saved, the ship is there.'
Carl says 'hang on. Wait.' And he says that the ship is gone. 'Kurt says, What the Fuck..? It was there,
now it's gone.?'  I tell him we saw the same thing the night before. 
Carl says , 'ok , lets get some coffee and breakfast.' Babbi is looking much better. He's busy making 
something with pieces of bamboo. 
Carl gets a large frying pan and opens a tin of pork lunchion meat. In another pan he boils water 
then adds noodles..Curry flavour. Its an odd breakfast but we all enjoy it. And theres enough for Kip.
That's what we decide to call the wolf..He's amazingly friendly and like a rub and licks us all. 
Kurt says to me, can i ask you a question..? 'Ok' i say.
'Well you know like fate brought us all together. And so far we've all got on ok and it's obvious
Carl knows his stuff, but..?'
'But what i ask him..? ' ...Well i dont know your name.' Carl says 'me niether.' 
'Well i say, what did you call me on the ship..? '  Babbi shouts..'Chef'..
Yes says Kurt, we all called you Chef..but whats your real name.?'
'Listen, i said, if i told you, there's every chance you wouldn't believe me so i'll make you all
a promiss, if we get out of this alive i'll tell you..'
'Fair enough Chef, he says with a grin' .
Kurt says to Carl, so whats the plan today boss..?'
Carl puts his empty bowl down and Kip licks it clean.  Then he gets a stick and draws in the sand..
A large circle and in the center a shape. 'Thats the spaceship he says.'  Now as we get nearer, the magnetism 
will get stronger and stronger, get too close and it will litteraly drag our weapons and anything else metal 
from us..so the trick is to judge the pull of the magnetism so we're just beyond its grab point.
Then we hide, we wait, and eventualy one of them wil make a move.
We kill it. Then we move away..not nearer. We change possition. He draws another circle around the 
spaceship. Picture in your mind, a megenetic field. As i've said, go too near, we're goosed.
so we stay on the outside of that perimeter. We can move all around it but under no circumstance 
go further. Then we wait again. Another will show. We kill it.. and so on untill all ten are dead.'
Kurt says..' and can we go inside the space ship once we have killed them all..?'

Babbi comes to me, 'Made these Chef '.. he says.' He hands me arrows he's made from the bamboo. 
'But we have no bow i say..?'  'No need bow '. he says,' use string.'  He knots a piece of string then 
wraps it around one of the arrows, then he launches it at a tree.. it hits its target and sticks in the tree.
'Can kill' he says... I'm impressed. Carl says ' that's great Babbi.. make more.' 
Babbi says' thanks boss', then goes to make more. He takes the time to show us all how to throw these
arrows. 'My dad show me.' he says,  'very proud my dad '. 
Kip starts barking. He's eager to get going.

We gather all the kit we need including weapons. Babbi has made a holder for his arrows so it can 
be carried over his shoulder. 
Carl asks him, 'are you sure your strong enough Babbi. ? This will be a trek of many miles.
The terrain could be a problem.'
'I ok chef honest. I will help you kill those things'.
He knows he's telling a white lie but he feels it nesacerry. Babbi could slow us down.

He says to Babbi, 'The thing is Babbi my friend,  i really need you to wait 
here and keep everything safe. We may not all make it back but whoever survives will need that dingy
and your help. Can you do this for me..? ' 

He looks down. I can see he feels i've let him down. 
He looks up at me. His eyes are tearful. ' I will do as you wish chef.' he says, but please, take these,'
He passes me the arrows he's made. They are in a quiver made from palm leaves. It's a work of art.
'Thank you Babbi, i say, I'm sure your arrows will be very helpful. Your dad will be proud. 
Now you can keep the fire burning and make sure you have your gun ready at all times.
You won't be attacked by the creatures but there could be some animals.'

Carl asks us to prepare to leave. 
He asks us, 'Is everyone ready.?'  We all say yes.
He calls Kip. 
He ties a chord around Kips neck that contains a metal disc. 
'Then lets go ' he says. 

Kip the wolf leads the way into the jungle. Sniffing , checking every twist and turn.
We follow him and it's as if he knows the path we need. It's as if he's been this way before.

After about a mile, there is a wierd sound. Kip stops in his tracks. He stands still and Carl gestures 
we do the same. Kip waits.. ready.. Then it appears. Crawling from the undergrowth..
Slow and deliberate.. a scorpion.. the size of Kip..  He waits.. he watches.. then.. he jumps. 
Onto the back of its head and bites....The tail of the scorpion tries to sting him but Kip is too 
quick.. He retreats and then attacks again.. Biting the back of it's head.. 
He continuse biting at it untill it stops. Its dead... Kip licks his lips and looks at us. 
He's proud of his work..  Carl pats him..Good boy he says...Good boy..

We continue into the jungle following Kip. Suddenly Kip stops again..He whines..he stares ..
and we feel it too. The magnetism.. We feel it pulling at our guns. Kip feels it pulling on his collar.
Carl says. ..'We're getting near.. get ready..!!!'
Then, in the distance, through the undergrowth we get our first sight of the spaceship.
It's enormous. The size of half a football pitch and at least a hundred foot high. There is what 
looks like steam coming from it's side. Great lights shine from its rim like search lights.
And a sound..a deep throbbing sound, like that of a huge engine. 
A sound so deep, it made the ground move.
Carl says to us, 'stand by. they will appear soon. We kill the first one, then we change possition in the trees.'
  The noise from the spacehip stops. The lights on the outside slowly dim. 

'Its starting' says carl.  Then a figure appears from behind the spaceship. 
Carl shouts..'FIRE' .....
The sound of our gunfire rings out through the trees. The creature screams but doesn't fall.
Carl shouts..' The head, aim at the head'.. We fire in unison at the creature. It expoldes into 
thousands of pieces. Carl waves us to move..We dash through the undergrowth following him. 
We stop. Carl points through the trees. 'There he says...FIRE...'
We open fire and in moments its another good hit and the creature is destroyed. 
Then another and another untill all ten are killed. 
A silence engulfs us, no bird sound, no insect sound, no breeze, no movement of trees or grass.
Nothing..a stillness like iv'e never experienced. It was as if i had no ears. Like i was deaf.

Carl said..'now we must wait'...Wait for what i asked..? 'You will see said Carl.
Then, the sound of the engine on the spacecraft returned, only much louder.The lights around its 
rim came on. It thundered and shuddered. Then, very slowly, the spaceship hovered above the ground.
Great blasts of steam came from its underside. The lights around the rim began to rotate and strobe.
Then, with an almighty thrust it climbed above the canopy of the trees. It hovered for a moment.
Then...bang.!!!! It vanished into the clouds..
'Thats it, said Carl. we've done it. They have left.
Just as Carl had said this, from the forest, surrounding us appeared a tribe of scantily clad humans.
Indians of some kind..paint on thier faces and bodies and all holding spears, axes and blow-pipes.
Carl said.. 'dont panick or shoot anyone. These people are our friends. '
They moved closer toward us, then in unison, they waved their spears in the air and began a strange 
 sort of whooping and chanting. And each and everyone of them were smiling. It was an incredible sight.
Carl said, 'They are showing thier thanks for what we have done. They are very happy. 
And they will escourt us back to the camp.'

Sure enough, these indians lead us through the forest. They are much smaller than us. 
But muscular and obviously very fit. I'm fascinated by them.